Boyfriend’s mom always talks about my black skin

Dear Pastor,

I am only 21 and I am trying my best. I have one year left in university and I have found myself in love with a young man.

I am not sure that his parents love me because they are of the middle class and I do not come from that pedigree. They are light-skinned people and I can be described as a fully black girl. His mother is always commenting on my blackness. She said I am the first black girl her son has dated, and she hopes that I will not let him down. Even at the dining table, she commends me for having good table manners. Once I was visiting and I offered to set the table, and after doing so, she said how impressed she was and she questioned me about my background.

Pastor, although I am from a poor family, my mother taught me how to take care of myself and how to set a table. I told my boyfriend that I was embarrassed by the questions his mother asks whenever I visit. He told me I need not worry, that is how his mother is. He also said that his mother is constantly asking him what I am bringing to the table because one of his sisters is marrying a man who comes from a middle class family, and his father is planning to stand all the expenses for their wedding.

My boyfriend could have left me alone. I was surprised when he asked me out on a date, and his father allowed him to use his car. He did not even kiss me on our first date which I thought was strange. I had gone out with one singer and he kissed me three times and attempted to unbutton my blouse on the first date. So when he asked me out again, I declined.

My boyfriend and I had opportunities to have sex, but when we eventually did, he had everything planned. His aunt was away and he was staying at her house, so we had the whole house for ourselves. He ordered food and drinks and we were protected by surveillance cameras. I felt so special that evening. My boyfriend is 25 and he works with his father in his business. His father is also offering me a job after I graduate. But my boyfriend does not want me to work in the same business with him.

My parents love this man. My mother is more excited than my father. My father calls him 'red man'. He seems to be in a hurry for us to get married, but I would like to continue my education in America. I believe that I would lose him if I go away. But he said that will not happen. This is my second serious boyfriend. My first boyfriend is living in America and is encouraging me to come to him after graduation. I really don't know for sure what to do. I am looking to you therefore for some advice.

G.A.

Dear G.A.,

Don't be worried because your boyfriend's mother questioned you, and also commended you for knowing what to do when she asked you to set the table.

You should be very proud that you were able to do so because there are many young women who never learned to set the dining table. You said she commented on your blackness, but she did not curse you. Perhaps she was admiring how beautiful you are as a black woman because she was trying to find out whether you have ever tried to bleach your skin. You know that 'black is beautiful'.

It seems to me though that you are concerned whether this man truly loves you because you are of black complexion. It is not only because you are black why he loves you; he loves you because you are beautiful and you are a person of good character. Be very careful. Try to maintain a high standard in everything you do. You are still very young. You don't have to get married now. And if this guy truly loves you, he will wait on you.

You would like to go to school in America. I hope that you are not saying that because you have a former boyfriend there. Be careful not to allow this young man to get you pregnant.

Pastor