In love with a man nearly twice my age

Dear Pastor,

I am 22 and I have a boyfriend who is 40. My mother knows him, but she says that he is too old for me. She also says that she likes him, but she was hoping that I would find someone younger. This man is really good to me. He has been paying for me to go to school.

I don't have any respect for my father. He has never helped me. When I was born, he disowned me. When my mother said that he got her pregnant, he denied it, so my grandfather asked him whether he had anything to do with my mother and he told my grandfather some bad words. That was the end of the story. My grandfather told my mother not to go back to him or ask him for any money.

My grandparents supported me. My mother has treated me well. She is not educated, but she is not lazy. She buys and sells, and I did not miss school. I have five subjects. This man who became my boyfriend saw me one day going to school and it was raining. He offered me a ride, but I was reluctant. But he told me I did not have to be afraid of him. He took me to school and he gave me his number. I did not know that he was so old.

MET MY MOTHER

When I went home, I told my mother about him. My mother told me that I should call him. I did, and my mother also talked to him. He told my mother that he was not married, but he had three children. However, he and their mother were not together. My mother told him that she didn't want any man to get me pregnant, and although she couldn't swear for me, she believed that I was still a virgin. For the record, I was.

I started to go out with this man and he was very patient, because I heard from other girls that when they lost their virginity, it was painful. Every time this man gave me money, I told my mother. He even gave me money for my school fees. On my birthday, I had sex with him; he took my virginity at his house. It was COVID time, so he did not want me to be on the road. My mother told me that I should try and come home, but he spoke to her and told her that I would be alright. It was the first time I was sleeping out and sleeping with a man.

When I went home, my mother asked me if I was still a virgin and I didn't answer, and she said, "I suspect you have become a big woman now." I will not leave this man because I am getting into nursing school and I do not have to take student loan; my boyfriend will take care of that. His children's mother is living in America and they are going to join her there.

Do you think this man is too old for me? As soon as I become a nurse, we plan to get married. I want you to give me your advice, and I am looking forward to your answer in THE STAR.

B.F.

Dear B.F.,

I am glad that your mother and your grandparents were able to take good care of you, and to give you the support that you needed from you were a baby.

This man who impregnated your mother was disrespectful to your grandfather, so she was quite correct in instructing your mother not to ask him for any financial support. He might not show it now, but the day may come when he will regret that he did not accept paternity and stand up as a man to his obligations. He may even ask you for financial help when you have received your training and become a professional.

Concerning your boyfriend, I don't want to comment on the circumstances which caused him to go to bed with you. But I will say that although this man is almost twice your age, he is not too old for you. I can understand why your mother would have been happier if he was much younger, but perhaps a much younger man would not be financially able to give you the same type of help.

I am glad that you will be in nursing school very soon, and I wish you well. You have become sexually active. I hope that you will not allow yourself to become pregnant, and that this man will be responsible in his behaviour towards you. I also hope that you will never be ungrateful to your grandparents and to your mother. I wish you well. Let me hear about your progress after you have graduated from nursing school.

Pastor