Madly in love with my church brother

Dear Pastor,

I am 19 years old and I am living with my parents. I am a first-year university student and I am an only child for my mother.

My father has two other children who he fathered while he was married to my mother. It almost destroyed their marriage. Her pastor and the entire church convinced her not to leave him. My father said that he wanted a son, so when he realised that my mother could not have any more children, he went with other women. However, instead of fathering a boy child, the two women that he got involved with produced girls.

My father is a good man. He has taken care of my mother, and everybody says that he has spoilt me. I don't consider myself spoiled. I know I am just a fortunate woman. There is a young man at the church we attend who is madly in love with me. He is 25 years old. When I am in church, I cannot concentrate on the sermon because this young man is always looking at me. I try to sit at the back so he would have to turn around to look at me.

This is the first man that I have ever loved. We have not have any sexual relations, but he told me that he is eager for me to finish university for us to get married. I want to do postgraduate work in Canada, so I don't know how that is going to work. He does not believe that he can hold out for too long. He told me he has been having wet dreams for a long time, and the only person who knew that he used to have wet dreams is his mother, because she washed his clothes. She told him that it is natural. He said that sometimes when he fantasizes about me, he discharges heavily, and when he wakes up he realises that it is not real he feels so very sad.

LONG WAIT

I told him he might have a long time to wait, so he should consider having another girlfriend who would be ready to get married, but he says he does not want anybody else in his life.

My parents love this man, but my father told me I should not put my mind on him. My focus should be on my schoolwork. Sometimes I think that after graduation, I will put my postgrad work on hold. I know my parents would not support me doing that. My church does not encourage the young people to go on dates. So this man and myself have never gone anywhere that we can be by ourselves together, but when he visits me we have time to talk. He knows that he does not have to be in a hurry to leave.

He claims that he has never had sex, but he says that he is not a saint, because sometimes he masturbates to get a sexual release. I am the only person he admits to that he masturbates because in our church they consider it a very big sin.

My pastor says that when a woman masturbates, she has to be thinking about a man; and when a man masturbates, he has to be thinking about a woman. Why don't you deal with more of these things in your column? It would help young people.

T.

Dear T.,

I have for many years discussed issues such as fantasizing, masturbation, premarital sex, love intimacy, divorce, remarriage, money, etc. I have not shied away from the issues that young people face. Some people continue to believe that I have been too plain in discussing certain topics. Some ministers have not had the courage to discuss certain topics. But whenever I am asked anything at all, I try to give an answer.

I am glad that your father's infidelity did not destroy his marriage and that your parents hold you in high esteem. You may make your plans for the future, but you should also try your very best to concentrate on your university work. This man who is your boyfriend is six years older than you. You cannot know what will happen to the relationship that both of you have by the time you graduate. He may tell you that he cannot wait any longer, so he has to find another woman. If that should happen, wish him well.

Concerning the experiences that he has had with wet dreams, that is natural. Some young men have had wet dreams even when they were in their late teens. He has also told you in confidence that he has had dreams of having sex with you. Don't condemn him for that; he is a normal man. However, I hope that he has not said that to you hoping that you will feel sorry for him and offer your body to him. Abstaining from sex will not kill you; it has never killed anybody. I wish you well. Take good care of yourself and have a very Merry Christmas.

Pastor