Ex-wife’s friend wants to marry me

Dear Pastor,

I was married, but I am now divorced. I have seven children; only two are with me, the others are scattered.

I cannot tell when last I heard from two of them since their mother and I broke up. I told my children that they should not get involved in what caused the break-up.

She accused me of cheating. She was a very jealous woman. I wouldn't say that I did not get involved with other women, but that was not while we were living together. That happened after she walked out and filed for divorce. But what made matters worse is that I got involved with one of her friends. It was not something I planned, but her friend showed an interest in me and every weekend my wife took the two children who were staying with me; so I was left alone.

I tried eating fast food, but this woman came over and brought dinner. She made my favourite drink, and I enjoyed it. She asked me what I planned to do and I told her that I did not know. One thing led to the other and we became closer. She helped me to pay the lawyer who was representing me. This woman is in a good position. She asked my wife to return and my wife said no. I did not know that she had talked to my wife. This woman only has one daughter who is a nurse. I talked to her daughter and I told her that her mother was in love with me. I did not say that I was in love with her mother. But she asked me and I told her yes, and she said that was the answer that she wanted to hear. All of this took place after my wife left me.

When my children are here with me, this woman does not come to the house. I go to her place. I try my best to respect my children. Now that I am divorced, my wife said that this woman and I were carrying on for a long time. She said she dreamt that she saw us in bed and I was sweating. She is crazy. I told my children that I was having a relationship with this woman. Some of them are not pleased; they believe what their mother told them. But I swear nothing was going on while I was married.

Since this woman and I have been sleeping together, she has become bold. All her friends now know that we are having a relationship. I am not ready to remarry, but she is anxious to get married. Although I love her, I am afraid of remarrying. I am close to 70, but this woman doesn't care about that. I am asking you for your advice. Don't be reluctant in telling me how you feel about this relationship. I can deal with it.

C.T.

Dear C.T.,

You say that your ex-wife accused you of cheating while you were married and living together. But you can swear that nothing like that went on.

It is unfortunate that I cannot speak to your ex-wife. I would ask her whether she had proof. I know that some women are very jealous. They don't like to hear their men on the phone talking to women. Right away they start accusing the men of cheating.

I remember years ago one woman told me that her husband was a wild man and that he was having relationships with many women. But then she added, with pride, that she "cooled him". But when her husband and I were discussing the problem, he admitted that he had had relations with many women while he was married to this lady. But his wife was under the impression that he was a changed man. I will not mention what he said he did to get around it. That is for another time. There is this thing that is known as 'woman's intuition' and sometimes women are right. You said you were not guilty of what your ex-wife said, but there is nothing you can do to make her change her mind.

You have got involved with her friend and she is eager to be married. If you knew that you did not wish to be married again, you should not have become involved with her. I am not condemning you, but remember my friend, not all women want to have sex with men who are reluctant to make a commitment.

Tell this woman that you would like both of you to see a family counsellor. I do understand why you are scared to commit yourself to this woman, but brother, if you can enjoy her sweetness, you should be able to stand up and deal with the issue of marrying her. I hope you don't hold what I have said against me.

Pastor