Dad trying to choose my husband

Dear Pastor,

I am 18 years old and I am having a problem. My father impregnated my mother but he couldn't marry her because he was already married.

He lied to my mother when he told her that he and his wife were not getting along. So she started a relationship with him and he had promised to marry her and take her to America. He is still living in America with his wife. He did not deny that he got my mother pregnant, so he owned up to his responsibility and he has supported me.

His wife used to curse him and she threatened that my mother would suffer because she would never allow him to support me. But she came around and even sent things for me such as clothes and shoes. I have spoken to her many times and she has encouraged me to do my very best in school.

The problem I am having now is that my father wants to take me to America. My mother is willing to let me go, but I would not be living with him. He has introduced me to a young American man. He is in his 20s. I don't know him apart from seeing him online. But my father says he is a good Christian man and he would not allow me to get hooked up with a bad man. I do not discuss anything sexual with this guy and I have my mother listening to the conversations we have online. Would you encourage me to marry this man? I want to get a good education, but I am confused. Please give me your advice.

Y.M.

Dear Y.M.,

I am happy to know that your father has supported you for the last 18 years. He fooled your mother when he met her. He lied to her. He should not have done so; he should have told her the truth.

Generally when men refuse to tell women the truth about their marital status it is because they are afraid that the women will reject them and tell them to stay with their wives. Of course I know that some women don't care; they will go with the men nevertheless.

Your father was a bad man, because after lying to your mother, he did not try to protect her from pregnancy. He did not use any protection. Then he later confessed to his wife that he had got your mother pregnant, so he had a child in Jamaica. For some women, that would have been an end to the marriage. But his wife stayed with him, and as you have informed us over the years, she has sent you clothes and shoes. Your father believes that he can be of greater help to you if you were living in America. So he is trying different means to get you there, including marrying an American. This young man is trying to get to know you, and of course you are trying to get to know him.

I do not encourage people to do business marriages. You did not say this is business; neither did your father put it that way. I know it is quite possible for people to meet each other online and fall in love. I am not condemning persons who do so. But that is still a risky way of finding a mate. So unless you get to know this man very well, do not make any commitment to him. Tell your father not to push that issue at all. It is better to wait until you find someone you really love. But I hasten to say, I am not telling you not to continue getting to know this young man because you may not know what the future holds. Take good care of yourself and let me know what eventually happens between this man and you.

Pastor