Think my husband is having an affair

Dear Pastor,

I am 40 and I have been married for 10 years. I married my child's father and we were very happy together until I introduced him to a friend.

I thought nothing of it, but every time she spoke with me on the phone, she asked for him. This girl started to show an interest in my husband. She invited him for lunch. They had a number of lunch dates, and people told me. One of my friends wanted to know whether my husband and I were still together. I asked my husband why he was having lunch with this lady. He said it was just lunch and he didn't have to pay. Her company paid the bill any time she took someone to lunch.

I told him that I wanted to know why he was going so often. He repeated that it was just lunch and there was nothing more to it. I told him that whenever she invited him again, he should tell her that he would love for me to be there. Less than a week later, she invited him to a luncheon that was planned by her company. So he asked whether he could take me and she said no, she could only take one person. So he declined her invitation.

This matter is serious. The woman called me and asked me why I didn't want my husband to attend the luncheon with her. I reminded her that he was a married man and she should try and get a single man to go with her or invite a woman. She cursed and asked me if I believed that she was a lesbian. She said she didn't want my husband, but he is an intelligent man and she enjoys his company.

I did something that I had never done before. One day I searched my husband's phone and I saw text messages from her. One of the messages said that she had fallen in love with him and nothing I did or said would prevent her from loving him. I copied the messages. My husband suspected that I saw them and he put a password in his phone. I suspect that he did so because he has seen this woman without my knowledge and I didn't know what they had done. He has suddenly become so bad. For years, when his phone rang he would answer right before me, but since this episode, he looks to see who is calling before answering.

I confronted him and asked him why he has suddenly become so secretive. He said that I chat too much and if he wanted to cheat, he could cheat without my knowledge. I suspect this woman and my husband are having an affair because friends have seen them together recently. I don't know what to do. Our daughter knows something is wrong between us, and she is blaming me for accusing her father of having an affair. She loves her father so much; he can do no wrong. I know my husband and I cannot believe that he would change so suddenly.

Y.

Dear Y.,

I do not encourage spouses to search their partners' cell phones. One is entitled to privacy even when one is married. You became suspicious of your husband so you went into his phone and read his messages. He did not like that. He became suspicious, so he put in a password. Some may say that he was wrong to do that, and that he is guilty. He probably was not guilty, but he felt that you were invading his privacy. My dear, there is something called boundaries. Although you are married, you should not always do what you feel like doing.

On the other hand, one may argue that your husband was hiding something and that was why he put in the password. You are not stupid, and you ought to know deep down in your heart whether this woman intended to take him away from you. That is why she was constantly inviting him to lunch. If your husband was clean in his thoughts and mind, he could have told you but he never did. When you asked him about it, he tried to brush it off by saying it was just lunch. That was not good enough.

This woman gave away herself when she refused to invite you to join them at the luncheon. I beg you madam, don't do anything that will drive your husband away from you. Remain as calm as you can. Try to get your husband to agree for both of you to meet with a family counsellor. But if he does not agree to go, don't pressure him. Your daughter is taking sides with her father, so don't rock the boat, so to speak. But please do not have any type of communication with this woman.

Pastor