Wife doesn’t want me to see her naked

Dear Pastor,

I enjoy reading your column and I appreciate your frankness. I am a Christian. My wife is 29 and I am 25. We did not have sex while we were courting.

My wife is a strict Christian, and neither of us believed in premarital sex. Although she was not the first person I had sex with, I was the first person to have sex with her. She was a virgin. I became celibate after I met her and joined her church. When I told the pastor that I liked her, he was surprised. He told me that I would have to come good to convince her that I knew what I was about. I became friendly with her mother. Her father was a deacon, so a couple of times I took the mother and this young lady home.

One Sunday afternoon after taking them home, they invited me in for a drink and her mother questioned me about my family background. She found out that she knew my father's relatives. Another time this young lady asked me to do a favour for her and I quickly agreed. By that time, I thought I knew her enough to ask her out on a date. When I went to pick her up, I told her parents where we were going and they were impressed by that.

One year after becoming friends, we got engaged, and six months after the engagement, we got married. When it was announced in church that we were engaged, the people were surprised; they congratulated us after the service. We went for counselling but every time the counsellor talked about sex, my girlfriend used to blush. We had a beautiful, small wedding. My father-in-law advised us not to spend a lot of money on our wedding and we took his advice.

I had a great struggle with my wife the night after we got married. I tried to undress her and she reminded me that she was older, so I should not undress her. She wanted all the lights off, so I turned the lights off and I turned away my face because she did not want me to look at her. She went under the sheets at the hotel. I decided to go under the sheets too because I was just playing along. We eventually had sex but for the entire weekend we were at the hotel, she did not allow me to see her naked. Every time I look at her, she would say don't look at me.

I know nothing is wrong with my wife, but it took her a long time to be comfortable with me sexually. I never complained to anybody because I knew she wouldn't like that. To this day my wife does not want me to look at her private part, but I know I have succeeded somehow because she is presently six months pregnant. We are looking forward to our baby boy.

R.K.

Dear R.K.,

You eventually got the young woman that you loved. She came from a strict home and when the pastor told you that you would be very fortunate to have her, he knew what he was saying. But you played your cards right, and the young woman fell in love with you. Not many couples can say that they did not have sexual intercourse before marriage, even though they were engaged. But this young lady did not allow you to convince her that you needed to go to bed with her.

On your wedding night, she reminded you that she was older than you and you should not try to undress her. Of course, she was taking this matter of morality too far. You were married and you had a right to each other's bodies. She had sexual inhibitions. Many Christian women, even after they are married, continue to object to their husbands seeing them naked. I was privileged to attend a conference in Pennsylvania and I was shocked to hear one of the missionaries saying that he has never seen his wife naked. To cut a long story short, that couple were not together for long; they are now divorced.

I remember receiving a letter from a young woman who complained that her husband would not allow her to look at him in the nude. When I enquired how they had sex, she said he used to go to the bathroom, have his shower, and come to the room wearing a towel. He went under the sheets and she had to go at him under the sheets. How silly can people be? And they talk these things to make others believe that they are so holy and righteous.

I want to wish your wife well as she will soon give birth. Take very good care of your wife. She is a good woman. Forgive her for the nonsense she carries on sometimes; she will get over it.

Pastor