I have to choose between my husband, sons!

Dear Pastor,

I am the mother of three children, two boys and one girl. The girl is my third child. My two boys are in their late teens and they have girlfriends. Sometimes, when we are not at home, the boys bring their girlfriends to the house and have sex with them. When we found out, we talked to them about it and they denied it. I saw evidence of it and I spoke to them again. They continued to do it.

My husband is saying that since they are big men and won't listen, they should go. I tell my husband I don't agree with that. He is now saying that I am siding with the boys and they don't have any respect. I am not always at the house. I am a caregiver and when I am not there my daughter stays with my sister. There is no peace at my house anymore. The boys are telling my husband anything that comes to their mouths. They don't have any respect for him anymore, but he was the first to tell them bad words, now they are telling him bad words too.

We were planning to buy a house that everybody can get their own room. Now my husband said he is going to leave. I cannot put my boys out. I told them that I am going to lose my husband. Whenever I say that, they encourage me to let him go. These kids don't understand. I didn't get married to divorce. I don't want to lose them and I don't want to lose my husband. I am so confused.

H.C.

Dear H.C.,

Your sons are being disrespectful to their stepfather and if they are over 18 and won't listen and obey him, you have to be prepared to let them go on their own. You shouldn't expect these boys to insult their stepfather and to curse him and expect him to embrace them or allow them to do whatever they want to do in his house. It is unfortunate that he has used expletives to them, but that's not a good reason to use expletives to him.

They are encouraging you to leave your husband because they believe that they would be able to run in and out of the home that you may establish without your husband, and they might be able to take their girlfriends there. I doubt very much that your husband is against the girls visiting them. What he is against is them using the house as a brothel.

I therefore suggest that you ask a family counsellor to meet with your husband and you to discuss the issues that you are having with your husband and yourself. And try also to get your boys to attend a couple sessions. They might not want to meet with a counsellor. Some young people feel that they know everything, and they have a right to do whatever they want to do and nobody should correct them. You have to determine in your mind whether you want your marriage. If you want your marriage, you must do what is right. Sometimes when children won't listen they have to be prepared to face the

consequences.

Pastor