My husband can't give me an orgasm

Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. I am 25 years old and my husband is 28. I love him very much. Before I got married, I had two other men in my life. When it came to sex they were very good, but both of them never had money. My first boyfriend got me pregnant and I lost the baby. I was very disappointed that I lost the baby, but when I look back I said, maybe that is what was destined to happen because I would have had to support this child on my own. He was not mean. He just never had money.

I left him because I found out that he was fooling around a cousin and he admitted it to me. He told me that he did not have sex with her, but she said that he forced her to have sex with him and she prevented him from getting locked up because of me. I told him to go and never to call me again.

I got involved with a half-Indian guy. When it came to sex, he took me to the mountain. My father did not like him at all. He said he did not have any manners and that he dealt in ganja. He denied it, but my father did not accuse him of smoking it. My father said a good source told him that he dealt with ganja. I went against my father and continued to talk to him, but it was because of the good sex I was getting from him. I don't believe that he dealt in ganja because he did not give me any money, so what did he do with the so-called ganja money?

We finally broke up over another woman. I don't have anything to show from my past relationships.

I met another man and we got married. He lives a clean life and is well respected in the area he lives. He built a house on his parents land, so when we got married, I moved into his house. His mother and I get along well. He has two other brothers, but they do not live on their father's property.

The problem with my husband is that he has never brought me to orgasm. I have to bring myself. He is not a lover. He doesn't have children. I would like to have children. He says I am sex crazy. He discharges easily, but when it comes to me he doesn't hit the spot. He has never brought me to orgasm. I ask myself what have I done by getting married to this man. I need your help, Pastor. I can't say this to everybody; not even to my mother. I am glad I have fingers.

R.J.

Dear R.J.,

I don't need to comment about your past relationships. They are behind you and I often say what is done is done. Your big concern now is your sex life with your husband. You believe that he is a good man, but you see yourself as suffering when it comes to lovemaking. You have had experience, therefore you have to take the initiative. At the moment, what you are doing is to help yourself by masturbating whenever your husband has ejaculated and probably ready to sleep.

Your husband and yourself should engage in foreplay before he penetrates you. Some women are easily turned on, others are not. You know about yourself. Therefore, you should tell him and you should help him. Tell him where to touch. If a woman is not non-orgasmic, she can experience orgasm. Very few women in the world are non-orgasmic, so take your sex life in hand and teach your husband what to do.

Both of you can do this thing without even getting the help of a sex therapist. There are books on the market that can help you. He might have to learn to control his ejaculation, and that is possible. A man can control his ejaculation just as he controls his urine.

I can't condemn you for what you are doing for yourself, but it would make a world of difference if your husband would cause you to climax. If you have tried and failed a number of times, you may consider taking your husband to see a sex therapist.

Pastor