In love with my rapist

Dear Pastor,

I am 23 years old and confused. At the age of 18, my virginity was taken by someone I knew. Out of fear, I never said anything because I thought persons would say I had asked for it since he was someone I liked.
I went on with my life thinking that was it because he also had a girlfriend. But he would call me and say we needed to talk, or he would wait until I was alone somewhere and make me have sex with him.
After a time, it became something I wanted to do, so it didn’t bother me. He would text or call me sometimes.
About a year after, I got pregnant. I wasn’t ready for a baby and he had got two other girls pregnant, so I had an abortion.
I had stopped working at a particular place, so I didn’t have to see him all the time. About two months after, I started seeing him again and we decided to remain friends.
We went to a party with a few of his friends, and by the end of the night, he tried to make me have sex with him. I was very angry and I retaliated with force, hitting him in the face a couple of times. He just looked at me and walked away.
I started working at a new company, and to my surprise, he was working there, too. The fact that we had to work together made us ‘friends’ again.
Three months after, we both got offered better-paying jobs elsewhere. We remained in contact, but six months after, I found out he was sleeping with a co-worker and having oral sex.
LIVE WITHOUT HIM
We both decided to continue our relationship because at that point, I thought I was in love and felt like I couldn’t live without him.
Things were great for the next year or so, until his kids started school. He thought his pay cheque wasn’t enough.
He met a young girl who could give him everything he wanted. He wanted me to understand that he was doing it for his daughters, but I just needed a break from all that happened, so we parted.
I started dating my high school sweetheart and all was right in the world. My ex would text and call me all the time to see how I was doing and try to get me back, but I was so happy and comfortable that nothing else mattered.
A few months later, my relationship ended because my partner wanted ‘head’, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Throughout this hard time, my ex was there again. His relationship had also come to an end.
I went to a party and there he was. He texted and called all night, saying we should talk. I went over to his house so we could talk, but it only turned into crying.
A month after, I went to another party and there he was again, drunk and confused. We had sex. It wasn’t a relationship, but it kept happening.
We decided to make it official. Things were better than before, and I was happy until I found out that he was still sleeping with his babymother.
I didn’t leave because I still believed he loved me. He explained that they just had sex occasionally and that it wasn’t a relationship.
I then found out that he was sleeping with another co-worker, but like all the other times, he said he was doing it for his daughters and they needed things.
The girl was in love with him and she would give him half of her pay cheque each month, even though he made more than she did. The girl and I got into a huge argument when the truth started coming out.
JEALOUS OF WHAT THEY HAD
He told her I was just jealous of what they had and I was a liar. But it didn’t bother me because I don’t do oral or believe in giving a man my hard-earned money, so I just let it slide.
He bought a car six months ago and wants a new one now, although he hasn’t paid off the loan on the old one.
I hate that he’s not man enough to want to earn things the hard way. I want to leave him permanently, but whenever I try, I keep going back to him.
Initials withheld

Dear Initials withheld,
I have to tell you that you are behaving as if you have no pride. You have low self-worth. You are with a man who has abused you from the time you were 18 years old. He has fooled you, he has taken advantage of you, he has treated you as a floor mat, and yet you have allowed him to continue to treat you with disdain.
This man has no respect for women in general, and that is why he is having children with different women and is bold enough to tell you that he is only using them to get money from them.
If you mean yourself any good, you should end the relationship with him immediately because if you don’t, you are encouraging this man in his slackness.
To stay with this man is to say that you do not think highly of yourself. You know that he is a liar, but he is much more than a liar. He is a deceiver. And people would think that you are just as immoral as he is.

Pastor