I want to have a child with my ex

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 years old, and I have something that is bothering me. I was engaged to be married, but what I did caused me to tell my fiancé that I was not ready, and that we should put off the wedding. He asked me why, and I told him that I needed more time to settle some things in my mind.

Pastor, I have had a relationship with another man. I loved him more than how I love my fiancé. But this man went to America and got married. He had a girlfriend in America which I knew about. To get his stay, he got married to her. Before he did, he called me and told me. I cried and cried, but I told him to go ahead.

He also told me that he had gotten the girl pregnant. So he got married. I found myself another boyfriend. He is nothing like my ex boyfriend. My ex boyfriend is tall, handsome, intelligent and he knows how to treat a woman. When he was in Jamaica he gave me money every week. He took me out, and he has never forgotten my birthday and special days.

My present boyfriend is not ugly, but he is short. I am much taller than he is. But he doesn’t mind. He is proud of me. I called my former boyfriend and told him that I am getting married and I would like to see him before I do. I could not go to the United States because my visa expired. 

This man flew to Jamaica, without telling me he was coming, booked into a hotel, and called me and told me he was in Jamaica for two days. I went to the hotel to see him and spent the whole day with him in bed. My present boyfriend did not know where I was because I turned off my phone. I never left him until it was late.

I feel so bad, but, at the same time, I had to spend the time with this guy. And both of us agreed that that was the best way to say goodbye. Now when I look back, I wonder whether I have done the right thing because I lied to my boyfriend.  I told him I was sick and tired, so I turned off my phone. That is why I told him that we should change the date for our marriage.

Pastor, I did some crazy stuff with my ex boyfriend. I even told him that he should try to get me pregnant while we were having sex. When he took out the condoms, I took them away. I didn’t care if he had gotten me pregnant. I love him so much.

When he left Jamaica, he called me once. But I suspect that he has changed his number because I have tried many times to call him and can’t get through. Do you think I should marry my fiancé out here? Or find another man who does not know anything I did and my past.

We would never have to discuss the hours I went missing and when he couldn't find me. I will always remember this man. I am just sorry I don’t have a child by him to remember him forever.
Y.T

Dear Y.T

Some people would call you a bad girl. You remind me of the politician’s wife who told her busy politician husband that she was going out for the day. He told her that it was fine with him. She didn’t tell him where she was going. She took a plane and flew hundreds of miles to be with her lover. She had a great time with her lover and flew back home. And her husband never found out what she did or where she went.

She appeared in public with this man and people who knew them saw them as a beautiful couple and they thought that she was faithful and loyal to her husband, but she wasn’t.

How could you, for example, consider yourself a good woman? This man came to Jamaica, and you spent all day with him and lied to your present boyfriend. This man has now turned off his phone or perhaps he has changed his number so that you can’t reach him because he knows that if both of you continue having an intimate relationship he will destroy his marriage.

I have not written the above to shame you. I would only encourage you not to be in a hurry to get married. And I wish that you would try and get psychotherapy because I suspect that you need care.

Please give up on the married man. If you don’t, you are likely to get hurt.
Pastor