Don’t know which guy to choose

Dear Pastor,

I have been dating two different guys and both of them claim that they love me. One of them is very bright; he is well informed and can hold his own in any crowd.

When we are with my friends, and most of my friends are professionals, this guy, who is in business, can go toe to toe with them; many times he is way ahead of them.

His father is a successful businessman. I feel so proud of this guy. But I don't feel welcome in his family.

His mother does not make me feel that I am one of them. She is of light complexion but his father is dark-skinned, but very independent.

I asked him if his mother would accept me in the family and he said that she is always questioning him about me, but I should not worry about her. I really like this guy.

The other guy is a schoolteacher. He has a babymother and he is planning to go abroad. He wants us to get married before he leaves.

But Pastor, he lives alone and he told me that his babymother takes care of his flat and does his washing every weekend, and he expects me to do the same for him.

I asked him what else he expects me to do and he told me that I would have to do just what she does, and that is to take care of his sexual needs.

So here is my dilemma, Pastor. The smart guy has not made any demands of me when it comes to sex. The first time we had sex, I offered it to him just to see if he had any use.

I asked him why he did not ask me for sex. He said it was because he did want me to believe that was all he needed from me.

But he told me that his father has told him that he should not get married to any woman unless she is able to give him a child.

So after we had sex for the first time and we used the condom, he told me that we should try doing it without the condom because of what his father told him. I am not prepared to become pregnant before I am married.

So you see my problem. I love both guys for different reasons. I already have a visa but I do not want to be a maid for the teacher. He has a lovely physique and he 'knows his stuff'. When I don't see him I have to wonder if he is with his babymother.

Help me handle this problem.

C.W.

Dear C.W.,

First of all, I don't want you to be angry with the father of this young man who told you that his father advised him to try and get the woman with whom he is intimate pregnant before marriage. Some parents believe that is what should happen.

I understand that in some countries that is openly thought about, so when a young man engages a young woman, the young woman's parents encourage her to get pregnant before the wedding day; it is their custom.

Although in Jamaica people do not openly talk about it, the parents of men quietly give their sons similar advice. However, if this young man loves you and would like to marry you, he does not have to follow this sort of advice from his father.

You think that his mother does not love you but you have not given any proof. If she does not love you, you will know the day he proposes to you; she will raise her objections.

You have to be very careful what you say about this woman. Your boyfriend's father is of dark complexion but she married him anyway because he is smart and successful.

What you have to do is make sure that you are very respectful to your boyfriend and his mother, and that you can hold your own in any conversation and not allow this woman to believe that you are a dummy.

The other concern that you have is with the teacher who is planning to live abroad, but wants you to marry him before he leaves. According to what you have written, this guy is a hot rod.

He has his babymother who takes care of his flat, gives him everything he wants, and he expects you to do the same. I cannot encourage you to throw yourself totally on this teacher who is already a father, because you would have to remember that this man and his babymother are responsible for a child, and it would be unfair for him to abandon them just for your sake.

I know that you would have to make your own decision but be careful what you do because what goes around comes back around.

I urge you, therefore, to go back to school, get yourself a good education and learn to stand on your own, and by that, I mean earn your own money.

Pastor