My new man bought me a vibrator

Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your columns for a long time and I really enjoy doing so. I often wonder how you are able to answer all these problems. Keep up the good work.

I am in my late 40s. I have been married, but now divorced. My husband left me for a young woman. He was one of those who believed that the grass was greener on the other side.

So he called me old and washed up. He said he could get younger girls, and he did. He didn't have a thing to his name. He was always spending his money on women. The man didn't even have a proper bank account. He told me once that when he dies, if I didn't want to bury him, I could "nyam" him.

Once, he and I had a fuss and he hit me, and my son told him that if he did it again, he would turn off his light. So he took the threat seriously and never touched me again. After he left, I was able to pay down on a house. I am still paying mortgage, but I am comfortable. My son used to live with me, but he is living with his girlfriend now and she is very nice.

Pastor, I started to date another man. This man has some sexual shortcomings and I told him so. I don't want to say everything, but he doesn't like to 'go down'. So one day he told me he had a gift for me and he handed it to me and left.

I was surprised that it was a vibrator. I called him and asked him what message he was sending. He said whenever he is inadequate, the vibrator will assist me. Until he gave me, I did not believe in using the vibrator. I am a Christian, but I am not a perfect one. Do you think I should be using this thing?

P.J.

Dear P.J.,

When a man beats his woman or hits her in any way, he will be very fortunate if she would forgive him. I have had to beg women to take back their men, and I have had to beg men to take back women. I know that there is a tremendous risk involved on either side. But I have done so because some can get a second chance and make good of it, and some women can do the same. But if a man or woman gets a second chance and blows it, he should remain in the dog's house forever. He has messed up big time.

I have seen men come to see me and bawl because their women would not come back to them. Why? Because they have constantly hit them, and the women have said it is over and they mean it. But I tell you one of the reasons why I sometimes ask the women to consider the men once again is because some women are strong. I am not talking about physical strength; I am talking about character.

One Saturday morning, a man and his woman came to see me. We were going to have a session. While we were talking, the man got up and punched her. The woman jumped out of her seat and knocked him out cold on the floor. I did not even move a muscle. When he finally came to himself, he quietly got up and never moved from his chair until the counselling session was over. They quietly left. That man has never done that again. I have had some very unfortunate experiences with couples and I would say to you that that is why I don't have any standard way of counselling a couple. Every case must be dealt on its own merit. Therefore it is not wise for a man to say he will never do certain things, or for a woman to say the same. The counsellor must listen, analyse and make suggestions if he is going to help the couple.

This new man that you have feels that he is inadequate. In fact, you have made him feel so. Therefore he bought a vibrator for you to help yourself. Don't try to get me to give you my opinion on these things. But if both of you are serious with each other and intend to get married, you can make an appointment to have sessions for both for you, and I would gladly do so.

Pastor