Got pregnant for the wrong man

Dear Pastor,

I seem to have no luck with relationships. I think I was put on this earth to be single, independent and successful.

Not saying that I need a man to be successful, I just need a man for affection, support and to love me for who I am. I'm planning to to do my bachelor's degree.

The last time I wrote to you, I was asking for advice on a past relationship and my concern about getting pregnant. I followed your advice and ended that relationship. Two months later, I reunited with an old mate. We were in a relationship in my teenage years. He wanted to start a family but I wasn't ready to have any children. So we drifted apart. We reunited in March 2019.

We spoke about our future together, such as buying a piece of land to build a house and getting married. During our conversations, I realised we shared much in common. We both came from poor backgrounds with many siblings, seem to have the same mindset, and share common goals.

But the first red flag was when he asked how come I was not asking him for anything. He thought I had another man. I told him that I am working and, as long as I can manage fulfilling my wants and needs, I won't ask for anything. I told him I would only ask for assistance when I can't manage on my own.

He then told me that every woman he had been with depended on him and he didn't want to feel like less of a man when a woman provided. I said I entered every relationship with a 50/50 mindset. We work together to help and build each other and we should both be able to depend on each other.

Things were going well until last May. I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't ready to have any children until I found the right guy and got married, but God had other plans. Yes, we had safe sex. But, as you know, things happen. I was scared and worried but I decided to keep the child as I considered myself to be blessed and fortunate to bear children. I now have a beautiful, smart, loving daughter about to be a year old in January.

The thing is, the relationship did not last as long as expected after the child. The man who I thought was decent and respectful turned out to be my worst nightmare. He started asking if I was sure he was the father or if the child was for my ex or another man. He said other women had given him 'jackets' before.

I know who my child's father is, so I had nothing to worry about. He would sometimes call our then unborn child "Who Fah" or say things like "Horse can't give birth to a donkey and give it to another horse".

I went to live with him when I was almost seven months pregnant and that was the biggest mistake ever. At first, he was sweet and caring. He did all the cooking. I found it strange that even though I offered to cook he would refuse. If he asked me to cook, he would watch me or check to see what I was putting in the pot. I asked why and he said that, in a past relationship, his ex and her mom tried to 'tie him'. He said that he has had stomach aches up to this day, and even passed black stool and vomited.

I feel sad, depressed, hurt, betrayed and useless.

Initials Withheld

Dear Writer,

You and this man need to go and see a family counsellor. I am tempted to tell you what to do with him, but the world would condemn me. However, this man is nasty. He is too nasty to have around as your man. He doesn't trust you but, broadly speaking, he doesn't trust women at all.

How does this man expect you to deal with him when he is so insulting? I am not going to say anything more, except to tell you that you should plan to leave him.

Pastor