Heartbroken because she doesn’t want me

Dear Pastor,

I am a 29-year-old man and I am a Christian. I am attending a church and the people there are very strict. I like one of the girls who is a member of the church. She is very lovely. She is always smiling. When I started attending the church, she was one of the first persons who greeted me and showed me to a seat.

She always sits with her parents. I was impressed by her. After attending the church for three consecutive Sundays, I asked her for her cell number and she gave it to me. I called her and I asked her whether she had a boyfriend. She said that she did not have a steady boyfriend. I did not know she was one of the daughters of the elders. I found out that she is a virgin. That was not surprising to me because she was in church, but she also said to me that she was waiting on the good Lord to provide her with a good man. She said that she hopes that will happen in the next two years.

After much persuasion, she agreed for us to go out. She had so many questions. We had to split the evening in two because she insisted that she wanted to get home at a certain time because of COVID. We did not talk anything about sex, but we talked about education and children, and life in general. One night, we stayed on the phone for hours, and when she wanted to go to bed, she told me that we could not have a serious relationship, but we could be friends, because we are not compatible. My heart dropped. I wanted to ask her what would make us compatible. It does not make sense to me, because she seems to be the perfect woman for me.

Just a few days ago, she opened up a little more to me and said having three children with two different women disqualifies me from being her husband. She does not want any man with strings attached as her husband. Pastor, I am not giving up on this woman. If I can't get her, I don't want any other woman in my life.

T

Dear T,

I am not a young man, but I can tell you that compatibility is not something that I hear about these days. But it is something that is emphasised in the Bible, and if this girl has grown up in a Christian home with Christian parents, they would have taught her that it is better for a man and his woman to be compatible when they get married.

They would have to have certain religious beliefs that they practise. This girl will not expect you to ask her to go to certain places or even to have premarital sex. There are some standards she wishes to maintain. She told you that you disqualified yourself by having three children with two different women. I do not think she is looking for a perfect husband, or even a man who is a virgin. However, the parents of children like her may have determined the type of relationship she would want with her husband, so she will not see both of you as being compatible.

My dear sir, accept this woman as a good friend. Do not push yourself on her, she is not going to change. Accept what she said -- both of you are not compatible.

Pastor