Paying dearly for marrying this woman

Dear Pastor,

I am a 50-year-old Christian. I used to run around a lot, but since I became a Christian, I don't do that any more. I am now married and trying to live a good life.

I told my wife many things that I used to do. It seems to me that that was a mistake. I just wanted her to see that I am a changed man. But every disagreement we have, she throws it in my face, and I don't like that. I have never thrown back anything she said to me about the life she used to live. For example, she told me that when she was 15, one of her brothers tried to have sex with her and she ran out of the room and shouted to a neighbour, who asked her what was wrong. She said that she saw a lizard but she killed it, so the neighbour didn't have to come inside.

That brother and my wife are very close. The way I see them move sometimes, I wonder whether they had sex. But she said it didn't happen, so I left it there. My wife is 55. We go to the same church, but her mouth is not clean. If she is upset about something, she curses. She doesn't care who hears her.

I have four children with two different women. I did not want to marry any of them, because I did not believe that I would be happy. They were still going to dances, and one of them is a big-time gambler. She is always gambling and not winning anything. I have wasted my money. I don't have a house for myself. I am living in my wife's house, and she throws that at me at times.

The plans for the house that I intend to build have been approved. I am hoping that my wife and I would move there and I would be able to feel like a man.

My wife has never let me forget that where we are living is her place. One day, she and I had a fuss and she called me a squatter, and I was really hurt. Then she said she was only joking, but I did not take that as a joke. When my house is finished, I am going to move there and if she doesn't want to come, I will divorce her. One of my daughters has promised to move in with me if my wife doesn't want to live in the new house. I told her we should go and see our pastor, but she is not interested in talking to anybody about her problem. What advice can you give to me?

G.

Dear G.,

It is unfortunate that your wife called you a squatter. I am sure that when both of you met and decided to get married, you found her to be a very reasonable person, and you thought you had met your queen. You did not realise that she was not much different from your children's mothers. You did not realise that she would curse and use expletives, and always remind you of your past. As you know, you cannot change your past. What is done is done. Your wife should be glad that you have changed, and you are attending church and trying to serve the Lord.

Dear brother, you have made progress. You are building your own house. Your wife should encourage you to do so. She should go there and live with you. But if she does not wish to leave her house, and she continues to verbally abuse you and belittle you, you should seriously consider moving out. But before you do, whether she agrees to go with you to see the pastor or not, you should go. Tell the pastor why you have left your wife's house.

You felt that you were coming clean when you told your wife about your past. I have never encouraged anyone to tell all about their past. The past is in the hands of the Lord. One of the things I have not done much of is what is called group therapy. Family counsellors, and psychologists and psychiatrists, often engage their clients to pour out their hearts. But I don't practise group therapy because other persons don't need to know everything about you.

I hope that your wife's behaviour would change, and that she would ask the good Lord to cleanse her heart and help her to tame her tongue. Whenever she says anything bad or negative about you, please remain calm.

Pastor