My fiancé’s ex-wife says that he is an abuser - But I do not believe her

Dear Pastor,

I am 30 and I am now engaged to be married. I am trying to convince my fiance that we should undergo premarital counselling.

I am insisting that we do it because he was married before and he has five children. I was never married and I do not have children. When his ex-wife found out that he and I were going together, she made it very difficult for me. She called me and warned me. She said he is an abuser and he does not pay his bills. She said that she has had to carry the house by buying groceries and paying the bills and that he has used his money to run around with other women.

should not listen

I told her that if he is running around with other women and giving women his money, I never got any. She asked me where I got money to buy a car if this man is not giving me money. I was very upset, so I called my boyfriend and told him what his ex-wife said. He said that her aim is to break up our friendship, so I should not listen to her.

She called back a few days later and asked me if I am still with him and I hung up the phone. I do not believe what this woman says about my fiance. I have learned to trust him. He has gone out with my girlfriends and he hasn't put any question to them. This girl even accused him of a crime. Her aim is to put him in prison.

My fiance cannot see why we should take these things to a counsellor. He says we are old enough to deal with these things ourselves. But there is another reason why I want us to go for counselling. I have a problem. The doctor said that it is unlikely that I will ever become pregnant. My fiance wants me to have a child by him. He says doctors can make mistakes. I do not think the doctor is making a mistake because we make love regularly and he does not use the condom and he has not got me pregnant. I know the fault is not his because he has children, so the fault is mine. I believe he will listen to you because he thinks highly of you. I will show him your answer.

Y.S.

Dear Y.S.,

I have met women who are divorced but they are still in love with their ex-husbands. I have also known men who divorced their wives, but have deeply regretted doing so.

That is why divorce should be the last resort. After a couple have tried to save their marriage by getting professional help and have come to the place that the marriage will not work, then they should consider ending the marriage. That might be a long procedure and not the first step to take. Some divorced persons have come to see me and have asked me to officiate at their weddings. They came back together and wanted to get married to the same persons again. So, this woman evidently has regretted she got divorced.

Your fiance's ex-wife has come to the place where she believes that this man is gone forever out of her life, so she is prepared to do anything possible to get him back. When a woman is desperate, she will go to the extreme. She will lie and accuse him of doing terrible things. You do not believe what she is saying about your man. Therefore, you should accept whatever he says to you and not give him the impression that you consider him a liar. Your suggestion to him that both of you should go for counselling is important and it is a pity that he thinks that counselling is a waste of time.

The other issue that you have raised about yourself should be discussed with a psychologist or a family counsellor in his presence. If you feel that I can be of help, then both of you should discuss it and call my office at 876-929-1667 and make an appointment to meet with me. I would need to see both of you together.

Pastor