My side man wants to marry me

Dear Pastor,

I am a 35-year-old woman. I have two children but their father is not living in Jamaica. I have been waiting on him to marry me.

I thought that would have happened already, but he is not straight where he is, so he does not want to travel and then not be able to return. Right now, I am living a lie because I give him the impression that I am true and faithful to him, but it is not so. He trusts me and he believes me. But I am forced to keep a friend on the side.

My babyfather sends me money but it is mostly for the children and for rent. I have to find a way to get to support myself. The man I am sleeping with is not married. He told me that he doesn't have another woman in his life. He suggested that we should get married and I should not think about joining my children's father. But, I love my children's father.

Another problem is that my side man is younger than I am. He is 25 and I would prefer to marry an older man. Nobody in my family knows that we sleep together. I have not discussed that with anyone of them. My children love this man. They call him uncle.

My children's father knows that I have an uncle who used to visit when he was here. So when the children told him that uncle was at the house, he believed that they were talking about that man. I am working. My pay is small. I take home just under $100,000 per month.

My side man still lives at home. He said he will never give up on me. I told him that he should look for another girl, but I don't really mean that. I love him too much to let him go. Sometimes when he raises his voice at me, I have to remind him that I am older than him, so he shouldn't talk to me that way. He is a government worker and he is ambitious. I am still giving my children's father time to get his legal papers and to come back and marry me. I am hoping that will happen this year because I am tired of waiting on him. I would love to hear from you.

J.

Dear J.,

You may have a very long time to wait. Your children's father has not yet received legal status and it might take him a much longer time than you believe.

He is encouraging you to remain true to him because everything going to be OK soon. I understand that it is more difficult now to obtain permanent status in the country where he resides. I don't believe that he is fooling you. Perhaps he truly loves you and wants to marry you and would like to have you, his children and himself together as a family.

What I do know for sure is that you are fooling him. You are giving him the impression that no one else is in your life here in Jamaica and he believes you. You have even allowed your children to call this man uncle. So, you see, you are a deceiver. You take home just under $100,000 per month and your children's father is sending you money to support the children and to pay rent. Why can't you really live on what you earn and what you receive from him? Talk the truth: you just need another man in your life.

You are playing with fire. The children's father may find out about what you are doing and decide to end the relationship with you and just support his children. So, I suggest that you bring an end to this love affair you are having with the younger man. Are you not afraid that this younger man may get you pregnant? Don't swear that it will never happen to you.

One more thing. You have reminded this younger man that you are his senior. He might consider that offensive. If you think that he is too young, let the man go. Men don't like older women telling them about their age. They feel that the women are saying that they are boys and immature.

Pastor