My attitude towards oral sex has changed

Dear Pastor,

I am 29 and I grew up in church. I was always active in Sunday school and I was the leader of the young people's group.

My minister taught us that there are things that good Christian men should not do and when we were ready to get married, we should find women who believe in conventional sex. He said that oral sex is of the devil and that Christian women don't expect their Christian husbands to ask them for oral sex. Some of the guys laughed at the pastor and called him a fool.

I had a girlfriend who came into the church and when we started to date, she asked me if I had ever had oral sex and I told her no. She asked me if I was saying that I would not do it and I told her that I would not. At that time, she was going to nursing school. When our relationship got serious, she told me that she had oral sex many times. I was shocked. She said that she enjoyed it. I felt like using bleach in my mouth because we had started to kiss. I questioned her about whether the man did it to her and she said both of them did it to each other.

NOT SATISFIED

I have read books on the matter and I was not satisfied with some of the comments. One minister told me that whatever my girl did in the past, I should forget them if I love her. When we went for counselling, my pastor raised the matter again and this time he said that the mouth was not made for that. This time my fiancee said that she believed that nobody should tell a couple what they should or should not do in the privacy of their bedroom. Our minister was shocked and he told her that she needed to repent.

We stopped attending that church. We never told anyone why. Today my wife and I are happily married. My attitude towards oral sex has changed. Sometimes when people ask me as a Christian what the Bible says about oral sex, I tell them that the Bible does not say anything about it. I am active in another church and I am a counsellor. My wife is also active in church. You are doing a good job, keep it up.

F.M.

Dear F.M.,

You are correct by saying that the Bible does not say anything about oral sex. When I was in seminary and majoring in counselling, this subject was considered taboo. It was not even mentioned. I did most of my undergraduate courses in counselling. I enjoyed attending school on Saturdays, and one of the courses was called practical counselling. We talked about almost everything. I got my bachelor's degree and I was a happy man. The real test came when I had to counsel couples and someone asked me about oral sex. I gave a bad answer. But the questions never stopped coming.

I remember once when I was talking to Dr Hector Wynter on the matter. He laughed and encouraged me by saying he didn't even know what oral sex meant at that time. He was an educated man. Both of us laughed it off and left it. I was determined to have an open mind on this subject. By the time I was doing my postgrad studies, this came up repeatedly. I studied the writings of many Christian psychologists. Some of them condemn the practice, but many took the position that oral sex is normal and healthy, and said that if the couple wants to practise it, it is up to them.

I can say to you as a counsellor that there are some women who enjoy oral sex much more than coitus. The minister who spoke to your fiancee and you condemned her, he was surely wrong in doing so. But he has his convictions. They are not based on facts. They were based on limited knowledge.

Your wife was correct in discussing this matter with you before you got married. I am happy that both of you enjoy each other and that you are in a position to help couples. I wish you well. May both of you have long life and happiness together.

Pastor