I am an unhappy wife

Dear Pastor,

I am a 50-year-old unhappy wife with two children. When I was younger, my husband and I used to attend the same church. We never dated, but we were put together to get married. I was the first woman he has ever been with, and we have been married for 20 years now. We are still together because of church.

Pastor, the sex is horrible and I tried everything, but there are no changes. I told him to read books but it seems as if he has no interest. Sometimes when we are having sex, he cannot find where his thing is suppose to go. Sometimes I help him but I get so frustrated at times. Most times there's no pleasure while having sex. I just try to please him because I know he would not last long.

Frustration has led me to cheat on him. I met a guy who is 30 years old and he has four children with four different women. I fell in love with him. Of course, the sex is good and he knows how to arouse and please me. He has tried to get me pregnant, but I did not allow that to happen.

My husband works good money and he is a good father to his two children. I am so confused and I don't know what to do. We are only together because of church. I am not in love with my husband. I suggested that we go to see a counsellor, but he said that he's not telling any stranger his business. However, he has sought help from a doctor who advised him to use some cream to treat his pre-ejaculation problem, but it is not working for him.

S.

Dear S.,

You said that your husband and yourself were put together to get married. I am assuming that you mean that the leaders of the church brought the two of you together. I say that because that is the norm in some churches. Some elders bring young people together in relationships. In other words, they say this young man and this young woman suit each other. And they insist that they get married.

I talked to a pastor some years ago and he told me that he did not even have to tell the lady that he married that he loved her. They did not go on dates. They did not even kiss. He respected the elder sisters in the church, and they consider that this woman would make him a good wife. And the deal was sealed. He got married to this woman and he went through hell with her. After a few years, he told the church that they could not get along and he would love to divorce her. The same people who put them together, so to speak, told him that they have to stay together because to divorce his wife would be a great sin. They even suggested that they could do a legal separation. He said that the more he thought about it, the more he became convinced that divorce is the way to go.

You have been with your husband for 20 years but you are very unhappy. You are still together with him because both of you are still attending church. You say the sex is horrible. May I ask what is good about this relationship? When you say that sometimes this man cannot find where to put his thing, I am sure you mean his penis. How can he not find where to put his penis? Is it that you are overweight? Or is he drunk and cannot find his way or doesn't know what he is doing? How come he can't find his way and he has impregnated you twice? I believe that you have some explaining to do.

Communication between this man and you must be very poor. Surely, if you were communicating well you can talk about the problem and you wouldn't be as frustrated as you are now. This man doesn't know what to do. Which Jamaican man doesn't know what to do in bed with a woman? Are you sure that you were not looking for an excuse to cheat?

You have got involved with a man who is much younger than you, and one who has four children with four different women. It is unfortunate that your husband has not agreed to go with you to see a family counsellor. I am sure that he would be very unhappy to know that you are having an affair with this younger man. This young man wants you to agree to become pregnant by him.

You don't see any future in this marriage, but you are in the relationship because of the church. If you would like to shake up your husband, you can tell him that if he does not want to go to counselling, you would have to move on. Perhaps that would make him agree to go with you for professional advice. The question I want to ask you is this: Do you want to stay in the relationship?

You said that the reason why you are with this man is because of your church. So, there is no love in the relationship. If there isn't any love in the relationship, the marriage is dead.

I would suggest that you beg your husband's doctor to play the role of a counsellor and meet with both of you, and have the doctor express your frustration to your husband and advise him to go to a therapist and see whether your husband would agree. In the meantime, I must tell you that I cannot encourage you to cheat on your husband.

Pastor