Church standing in the way of my wedding

Dear Pastor,

My boyfriend and I are 23. We have been going together for a year. We would like to get married in December. My pastor does not marry any couple from the church unless they go through six months of premarital counselling. It is the rule of the church. He does not back down for anybody.

My boyfriend is a Christian, but he does not attend my church. His pastor does not follow this strict rule, but I would like my pastor to do our wedding. My boyfriend is not against him doing the wedding, but he does not believe that six months of premarital counselling is necessary. I have never had sexual intercourse, so I am still a virgin. My boyfriend is not a virgin, but he has never pressured me for sex. He told me that he knows that if I am lying to him, he will live to regret that he got married to me. He told his sister that I have never had sex, and she told him that he is buying 'puss in a bag'. I will never let him down. If anybody is to have me, it would be him. Pastor, what does counselling cover?

G.S.

Dear G.S.,

Premarital counselling can be very helpful. Some pastors are very rigid in this type of work, while others may encourage a couple to seek counselling, but do not insist that if it is not done they will not marry the couple.

In premarital counselling, the counsellor endeavours to cover many subjects. The focus is on the union itself. In fact, some churches try to encourage young people to seek counselling before they even become engaged. Sometimes during premarital counselling, a couple may come to realise that they are not compatible and can end their relationship without much embarrassment.

Some men are very controlling, and some women are very stubborn. This is an area that has to be dealt with before two people get married. There is a role that men have to play in relationships, and there are roles that women have to play in marriage. Marriage is not always a smooth and dandy period of life. There are going to be good times and hard times. So a counsellor should teach a couple what to do when they face these times.

A very important aspect of premarital counselling is communication. A couple is taught how to communicate. Communication is a basic foundation in a relationship. Respect is another aspect. If a couple does not have respect for each other, the marriage will fail. Trust is also important. It is not always possible for a couple to be together 24/7, but they can trust each other. Without trust there is no marriage. Then, of course, sex must be discussed. There can be no good marriage without sex. That is what the Bible says. When two people are married, they should meet the sexual needs of each other. So the pastor or counsellor might recommend certain books that the couple should read together and discuss the topics that are covered. There is another big aspect that must be covered and that is money. I have found in my own counselling work that sex and money are the two areas that can be troubling in a relationship. So while your boyfriend might think that the six-month rule that your pastor has laid down is not necessary, it probably is. Both of you should learn to go along with your pastor. Six months will go by very fast. I wish both of you well.

Pastor