My lover refuses to use a condom

Dear Pastor,

I am 18 and I have a boyfriend who is 30. He is a good guy, but he is very jealous. He wants me to call him every day and when I don't, he questions whether I am too busy with another man. He does not trust women, because he had a girlfriend who cheated on him. I told him that I am not like that, because I am not looking for any man to support me. I am still living at home, and my father still gives me anything I want. He doesn't even know that I have a boyfriend.

My father always says that I should get a good education so that when I go on my own, I will be able to support myself. My mother and I are always talking about my future. My boyfriend and I have only had sex a few times, and he is always comparing me to his past girlfriends. He says he wants me to become a better lover than them. I told him I don't know how that would be possible, and I am tired of him talking about them.

I don't have lots of sexual experience, as he is my second boyfriend. He does not like to use the condom, so I am taking the injection. But I cannot let him know, because he says that birth control is the white man's way of killing black people. Sometimes when I hear him speak, he behaves as if he has some radical ideas.

I am not interested in having children now. I want to be a registered nurse, so I cannot let this man get me pregnant. I am not ready to introduce him to my parents, or to tell them about him, because I don't fully understand him. Every time we have sex, I wonder if he is passing on anything to me because we are doing it 'skin to skin'. Apart from having dinner with him, he has not taken me anywhere as he does not have his own vehicle. Whenever we are having dinner anywhere and men look at me, he is always asking me if I know them and, why are they staring at me.

I asked him how many children he has and he said none. He told me that one of the girls he impregnated gave the child to another man. I don't know what to do with this man. I wanted to develop a good relationship with him before we had sex, but I agreed to do it with him because he said he could not hold out any longer.

Pastor, please give me your fatherly advice on my problems.

D.E.

Dear D.E.,

You are 18 and this man is 30. He has had a number of girlfriends. You did not say how both of you met. But what you have said is that he is a very jealous man, and he always wants to have sex with you without the condom. You know that the condom is one of the safest methods of birth control. Men who do not like to use it are very irresponsible. By not using it, they are saying that they don't care what happens to their women.

I hope that you will not be mad at me for saying your boyfriend is a very ignorant young man. I say that because he believes in this nonsensical argument that white people want black folks to practise birth control because they want to eradicate the black people. He has to be a fool to believe that and even to say that to you, a young girl who is aspiring to be a professional. I am disappointed in you, because you should have ended the relationship. You should have realised that you are not going in the same direction. The Bible says " two can't walk together unless they be agreed." So, right here, I can tell you that you are going with the wrong man.

This man is overly jealous. When he is with you and he sees other men looking at you, he questions you about it. Only a foolish man does that. Men will always admire women, but that does not mean that the men have had relations with them. I say to you now, drop this man. He is an idiot. This relationship will not turn out well. I wish you well as you pursue your goal to become a registered nurse.

Pastor