Caught my husband watching ‘blues’

Dear Pastor,

This is the first time I am writing to you. I am married and I have two children, seven and five years old. My husband and I had a good life together.

He used to run me down when he wanted 'his thing', but since I had our second child, our relationship has changed. He is not attracted to me any more. I asked him if he had another woman and he said no. I have even watched his movements. He comes home soon after leaving work. He is never on the phone talking to friends, but after eating, he sits and watches television until he falls asleep. Sometimes I try to sit next to him and he pulls away. This is not the man I married

I know I have put on some weight, but he is using my weight as an excuse. I go to the gym and I don't overeat, but I can't get the weight down. Recently, I went to an event and the children stayed with their grandmother. My husband was alone at home and when I got back, I realised that he fell asleep while watching porn. When I entered the room, I quickly turned off the TV because the language was dirty and I didn't want the children to hear or see what their father was looking at.

Later in the night, I asked him why he was looking at porn and he said because the women have lovely figured and they are not as fat as I am. That told me that my husband would be quite willing to have affairs with slim women. He gets turned on by looking at such women. Am I right, sir?

Apart from my husband having a big belly, he is in good shape. I told him that I am going to burn every sex tape I see in the house. But I do not know where he has hidden them. I want my marriage to last. Please give me suggestions.

B.G.

Dear B.G.,

I am really sorry to hear that your husband has been ignoring you. Both of you seem to have had a good marriage, but things have changed.

I am going to beg you, please, not to ignore the complains that your husband made. He said that you have become too fat. You do not attract him anymore.

When some women hear their men say that they are too fat, the first thing that they think is perhaps he has a side chick. Sometimes that's not true at all. You don't seem to believe that your man has a side chick. So it might be wise to go to your family doctor and ask him or her to put you on a reducing diet.

I believe that you are trying to keep your weight down, but you may need to get additional help. It seems to me that communication between you and your husband has broken down.

Both off you need to talk. If you are trying to talk to him and he reacts sharply or he ignores you, then you should not accuse him of having another woman. You realised that your husband was looking at adult movies. He was entertaining himself and he fell asleep. That was an eye-opener, and you should not miss that opportunity to tell him that you realise that both of you need help. It is not good for both of you to be pointing out each other's faults. If your relationship does not improve, both of you should go and see a family counsellor, and you should do so early. So don't be defensive, just work on your relationship.

Pastor