Don’t trust my boyfriend enough to marry him

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 and I am an only child for my mother, but my father has three other children with two different women. I get along very well with my father's children.

I am in a good job. I have paid down on a piece of land with the help of my parents. I want to build my own home. One of my brothers is a builder, so I am hoping he will help me.

I have a boyfriend. He told me that we should put together and build the house, but my father is not in favour of that. My boyfriend is a very nice guy, but I don't fully trust him. He is too 'girly girly'. Sometimes I can't find him for a whole week. He said he was busy and I should learn to trust him. How can I trust a man who does not answer his phone, and whose phone is always off when he comes to see me?

GET PREGNANT

He also wants me to get pregnant before we get married. I told him that I do not want to have a child before I am married. He bought me an engagement ring, but I don't wear it because I don't like it, and I am not sure that I should marry him. I told him he should buy his own land and build his own house, or buy an apartment. We can live in his apartment until I can build my own home, but whenever I suggest that, he is very quiet.

My father told me that I should not be eager to go on my own because if anything happens to him, nobody can run me out of the house; it would be for my mother and I.

Pastor, do you think that this man is turning off his phone because he does not want me to hear if anybody is calling him? Do you think I should allow him to build a house on my land? I will not allow him to get me pregnant.

People say that he got another woman pregnant, but he denied it. I don't know what to believe. I love him. He is my first boyfriend, but I can't say I fully trust him. I am so confused. Please tell me what to do.

M.G.

Dear M.G.,

You seem to be an intelligent, young woman. Let me encourage you not to be eager to leave your parents or to get married. I don't mean to imply that at your age you shouldn't get married. What I am trying to say is that you are still young, and you have good parents and they love you. You can take your time and lay a good foundation for yourself.

Although you love your boyfriend, you say you do not fully trust him. He has caused you to question his behaviour. He turns off his phone when he is with you. He can always say that he does so to give you his full attention. But you cannot trust a man whose desire is to get you pregnant before he marries you. Many women have been very careless and took men at their word. They got pregnant and soon after, the men left and the women had to struggle alone. There are many irresponsible men who fool women. You cannot be sure that this guy will still be with you after you are pregnant.

If you are able with the help of your father to build a house, what a wonderful thing that would be. Property is the foundation of wealth. However, you do not want a man to ride on your back to make progress, so to speak. What I am trying to say is that a good man will work with a woman, but he should take the lead, and this man is not taking the lead. He is behaving as if he is a 'ginal'. I am not saying that you should end the relationship, but you should be wise.

What is this man bringing to the table? He wants you, but he also wants to give you a 'belly'. I suggest that you keep yourself busy. I am assuming that you have your first degree. If you do, try and go back to university for postgrad work. When you have your master's degree, you will set yourself up to get a promotion, or to get another job where you will be paid more.

Let me urge you to build your own house. Don't take any money from the man to help you. This man has not proven himself to be a man. Don't allow him to believe that you are a fool; you are not. Continue to be wise.

Pastor