Cheated on my husband while pregnant

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 years old. I have one son and I am pregnant. My husband is away and I have been feeling very lonely. I have a few girlfriends who check on me from time to time, but they cannot take the place of my husband. My husband is all tied up with his work and cannot come home until next year.

I did something so wrong and it is bothering me. Although I am pregnant, I called a friend who went to college with me. We were childhood lovers and we fooled around a few times, but I did not love him enough to marry him. So, I eventually married the man who is now my husband. However, four weeks ago, I called him and he came to see me. I asked him if he wanted a drink and he said yes. He loves to dance, so I put on some music and we danced. I don't know what got into my head, but I unbuttoned his clothes and then went down on him. He then undressed me and we had sex on the floor.

I did not even remember that I was married. The only time I felt sad was when he told me he had to go. I told him he did not have to go but he said yes.

When my husband called later that evening and asked if everything was alright, I told him that it could not be better. He said he was glad that I was alright. It was the first time I cheated on my husband, but I will do it again if I have to because I do not like to feel lonely. Everything about this man is bigger than my husband's.

This man knows my husband, but they are not friends. I know his wife. The day when I called him, she was out of town. He said he was always hoping that we could make love again. I tried in the past to get my husband to enter me from the back, and I don't mean the backward position. This man did it without my insisting.

It is not money that I want from this man. I have my job and it pays well. I just wanted his company. Sometimes when I attempt to call my husband abroad, I can't get through to him. When he was here in Jamaica, he used to fool around other women, but he would never admit it. I don't see my husband to be staying by himself for so many weeks. He cannot give me good reason why he is not answering the phone. He says that when he is at home he turns off the phone so that he can sleep. I love my husband, but I have never forgotten this man and he is always checking up on me, which I appreciate. Even when my son is here with me, I still feel the need for this man.

Please, tell me what to do, and don't curse me.

E.

Dear E.,

Before I address what you have written, let me tell you what a gentleman told me. This gentleman used to work with government and he was sent to England on a course. He was bragging one day and telling me how he was so faithful to his wife although he was in England for about six months. He said he had opportunities to go with other women, but he never did. He remained faithful to her until he came home.

I knew another man who attended college in the United States of America. He told me that he got into a situation and he had to fight a young woman off him. She was white and she came on to him and insisted that he should have sex with her. He said he told her no, and pushed her away. She called him stupid and told him everybody was doing it. So, the man who went to England and was on a course, said he never touched another woman. Similarly, this brother, who was in college, pushed away a woman who came at him.

You said that you were so lonely that you called an old friend and you were there dancing and carrying on, and eventually you unbuttoned his clothes, and then you went further because you went down on him. You could not stand your loneliness so you called an old friend with whom you had a relationship many years ago, and both of you made love on the carpet.

It does not appear that you have any feeling of remorse. It seems you would do it again and this man will go along with it.

You know I will not tell you that what you did was right. Why do you feel I will curse you? I only speak the truth and the truth is you feel you have the right to cheat on your husband. And to justify what you did, you said there are times you cannot reach your husband when you call him and you believe that he has a woman in America. So he might be cheating on you. I repeat, you are saying that to justify what you have done.

Madam, you have a son and what I would suggest that you do is to let your son remain at home with you, even though you do not feel that he is any good company. If your son is at home, that should prevent you from inviting any man into your house that would cause you to have sex with him.

Perhaps what you can also do is to ask one of your girlfriends to share house with you and the temptation to have another man in your house would dissipate because of her presence.

Pastor

Dear Pastor,

I am 19 years old and I am living with my father. My mother gave me to my father when I was 1 year old. My mother wanted to leave Jamaica after I was born and my father did not agree, but she said she was not staying because Jamaica was too hard. My father told her that if she did not plan to stay in Jamaica, she should have made that clear to him because he wanted a family. My father said my mother took me to his mother and my grandmother took me and began to care for me. My father gave up the house he was living in with my mother and moved back home with his mother. So, I don't know much about my mother.

Now that I have grown up, my mother is trying to be nice to me. She says everything my father and grandmother told me is true. She has one more daughter, but that daughter is not doing well. She started to take drugs from the time she was 12 years old, and she would not listen to anybody. One day when my mother was talking to me, she broke down and cry.

My father is so proud of me. I am now attending university and I am a Christian. My grandmother took me to church on a Sunday. My father does not attend church, but he gave me my Sunday offering to put in my collection plate. My aim is to become an engineer and my father is pushing me to do my best.

I met a guy and he loves me. I went out with him twice, but I see that this friendship could not go far because he antigod. He said he doesn't understand how I can believe in God. Although my father does not attend church he is not an atheist. I talk to my father about this guy who likes me and I told him that the guy does not believe in God and my father told me he doesn't want to meet him and I should not keep him as a friend; he would lead me into the wrong path. I took my father's advice and I ended the relationship with this guy. Now he is telling me that I misunderstood him, but I know I did not misunderstand him. There are several other guys who are trying to date me, but my grandmother says she doesn't want anybody to spoil me and my father said the same thing.

There is this big man who works on campus. He is always putting himself in an area that I must see him. He has offered to buy me lunch many times, but I told him that my father has given me lunch money so I am alright. From what I heard, he is always trying to get involve with students, but I am too smart for him.

My father has a girlfriend. I like her. She told me that when my father and she are married, I should come and live with them. That is a no no for me. I would never leave my grandmother unless I get married. And even so, I would not put my husband ahead of my granny. Sometimes I feel for sex, but I have never had sex; I am still a virgin. However when I am with my friends on campus and they are talking about men, I join in the conversation and pretend as if I am one of them, but I have never allowed a man to have sex with me. One of the girls in the group is very bright. She is not Jamaican and she said she had sex with two different guys one day when her roommate was not there. I was so shocked but the other girls laughed and wanted her to tell them more about that. I found the conversation disgusting. So I walked away and told them that I have work to do in the library.

My father is planning to buy me a car. I told him that he should put the money that he would use to buy a car to spend on the house he is building. My grandfather has given my father a piece of land and he is building the house on that land. I am hoping to get a visa and study abroad. My father is the only child for my grandparents. His girlfriend comes from a large family. She always encourage me to ask my father why he wont marry her. I told her that that is not my business. My grandmother doesn't seem to like her she said she was too popular at one time and she is older than my father.

A.J

Dear A.J.,

I am glad that you are a Christian, and although your mother abandon you, so to speak, and went abroad, your father and grandmother nurtured you and gave you all the support that you needed as a child.

You had good training from your grandmother. She did not only send you to school but she took you to church and you became a Christian and you committed yourself to Christ and you can proudly say that you are a virgin.

Sometimes when some young people are attending university, they become loose. And they get involved with men, but you have not done so. Even some of your friends who are attending school with you have told you some of the steamy sex that they have engaged in. Some girls don't have any shame. You don't have to engage in such acts to prove that you are a liberated woman.

The man, who is showing interest in you on campus, if you do not like him, ignore him. Your grandparents hold you in high regards. Don't let them down. And remember it is not for you to ask your father why he would not marry the woman with whom he is having an intimate relationship. Your grandmother would have spoken to him about her on many occasions. Leave them alone. You are a good girl. Your father has offered to buy a car, but you rather he put the money on the house he is building. That house may eventually become yours.

Pastor

Dear Pastor,

I am 52 years old and I still read your column. When I can't get to buy the Star I feel like something is missing. I read your column sometimes online, but I prefer to read it in the Star. I did not know that I would have to write to you and tell you about my problems. I was married and the union produced four children, but for many years my husband abused me and I used to tell him that I was going to leave him, but he used to say that he is the only man who would want me.

As my children grew up my boys stud up against their father and told him that if he doesn't stop hitting me, they would beat him. One of them is very out spoken, so his father didn't like him. And when his father told him that he should leave, he said he would not leave unless I am leaving because he did not want his father to continue to abuse me. There came a time when my husband and my two sons almost knock two fists so, I knew the time had come for me to move on.

This house is mine; I bought it through housing trust. This man doesn't have a cent in it. So after I left for six months, I went back after he pleaded with me to come back. I filed for the divorce while I was still in the house, but we were not sleeping together. I had a good lawyer on my case. He did not believe that I would divorce him, but I had the courage to do so.

One of his brothers encouraged him to leave. Now he is living in a little board house on a piece of land he lease. My main reason for writing you is I have fallen in love again. This time it is with a 60 year old man who is a widower. He has his children and like myself they are grown. This man sleeps with me at least once per week. All my children like him. He proposed to me and gave me a very expensive ring. I threw away the ring my husband gave me. But my children said I should not have thrown it away.

This ring that this man has given to me is very expensive. I asked him why he bought such an expensive ring and he said I deserve it because I make him feel happy. He is an educated man and he is still working. He told me that I do not have to work, but I am only 522 years old and I am in charge of my own business.

Two of my children are teachers. The son that my former husband doesn't like does construction and the other is a mechanic. This man is eager for us to get married because he wants to go back to his church. He was a deacon there. Although I love him, I feel scared sometimes because of the way my ex husband treated me. So I am asking you for your advice.

B.T

Dear B.T.,

If you are in love with this man and he is in love with you, and you have good reasons to believe that he will make you very happy accept his proposal. You have already accepted his engagement ring, move towards the other level and that is marriage. It is natural that you would feel scared because of the bad treatment you suffered at the hand of your ex husband. But as you know, not all men abuse women. And I doubt that this man would abuse you. And I am sure he knows that your sons would stand up for you just as they did when you and their father were married.

Your lawyer would advice you about the division of property if there should be any. Your new man wants to serve the Lord. He is a church man, so get married to him so that his conscience will be free. Before both of you say that I do, make sure that you go through a series of premarital counseling and I further suggest that you tell your lawyer that I suggest that you do a prenuptial agreement. Though everything seem to be alright now, you can never tell what will happen in the future. And if this man is wise, he will not object to a prenuptial agreement. I wish you well.

Pastor

Dear Pastor,

I am a 40 years old man and I have two children. I am not involved with their mother anymore, but I have a new girlfriend and we are living together. I am not always at the house because my job keeps me away. But the boys are there and we have a day's worker. So my lady friend does not have to wash for them. The boys have a television in their room. I make sure I put one in there so that they can look at sport and whatever they like to see. My lady friend is always complaining that the boys are too noisy. She does not have children.

Whenever I am at home and the boys are there, I go into the room with them and enjoy what they are looking at and my lady friend says whenever I am home, I am ignoring her. But these children do not live with me; they are living with their mother so I try to spend quality time with them when they are with us. Sometimes I take them out and my lady friend wants to come with us, but I refuse to take her because I believe as a father I should have time with my boys alone.

This crazy woman one day questioned the boys where I took them and whether I picked up a woman. They found that funny and they told me about it and I was very angry because since I took her into my house and living with her, I have not disrespected her in that way. And if I wanted to go out with another woman, I would not do so while the boys are staying at our house.

This woman has declared that she was only joking with the boys when she asked them if I picked up a woman. I do not have time for another woman. I am working hard to give my two sons an education. Their mother is seeing another man and that is her business. She wanted my boys to call this man daddy. They objected to it and told her they only have one daddy and that is me. My lady friend is very jealous of the type of relationship that the boys have with me. What do you think of this relationship?

M.B

Dear M.B.,

Your lady friend as you called her is jealous. She probably believes that you do not spend enough time with her. But I commend you for spending quality time with your sons. They will always remember that you were not too busy for them. When they are not with you, your lady friend and yourself can spend lots of time together. She shouldn't have questioned your sons, but please do not hold that against her. Her jealousy got the better of her. She probably believes that you were using your sons as a pass to meet with another woman. But forgive her for her stupidity. Everybody makes mistake and that was a big mistake she made. Take good care of your sons and take good care of your lady friend.

Pastor

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