Afraid to get married again

Dear Pastor,

I am 52 and I still read your column. When I can't get to buy THE STAR I feel like something is missing. I read your column online sometimes, but I prefer to read it in THE STAR.

I did not know that I would have to write to you about my problems. I was married, and the union produced four children. But for many years my husband abused me, and I used to tell him that I was going to leave him. But he used to say that he was the only man who would want me.

As my children grew up, my boys stood up against their father and told him that if he didn't stop hitting me, they would beat him. One of them is very outspoken, so his father didn't like him. When his father told him that he should leave, he said he would not leave unless I was leaving, because he did not want his father to continue to abuse me. There came a time when my husband and my two sons almost fought, so I knew the time had come for me to move on.

This house is mine; I bought it through the National Housing Trust. This man didn't have a cent in it. So after I left for six months, I went back after he pleaded with me to return. I filed for the divorce while I was still in the house, but we were not sleeping together. I had a good lawyer. He did not believe that I would divorce him, but I had the courage to do so. One of his brothers encouraged him to leave. Now he is living in a little board house on a piece of land he leased.

My main reason for writing to you is, I have fallen in love again. This time it is with a 60-year-old widower. He has grown children like me. This man sleeps with me at least once per week. All my children like him. He proposed to me and gave me a very expensive ring. I asked him why he bought such an expensive ring, and he said I deserved it because I make him feel happy. He is an educated man, and he is still working. He told me that I do not have to work, but I am only 52 and am in charge of my own business.

Two of my children are teachers. The son that my former husband doesn't like does construction; the other is a mechanic. This man is eager for us to get married because he wants to go back to his church. He was a deacon there. Although I love him, I feel scared sometimes because of the way my ex-husband treated me. So I am asking you for your advice.

B.T.

Dear B.T.,

If you are in love with this man and he is in love with you, and you have good reasons to believe that he will make you very happy, accept his proposal.

You have already accepted his engagement ring; move towards the other level, and that is marriage. It is natural that you would feel scared because of the bad treatment you suffered at the hand of your ex. But as you know, not all men abuse women. I doubt that this man will abuse you. I am sure he knows that your sons will stand up for you, just as they did when you and their father were married.

Your lawyer would advise you about the division of property if there should be any. Your new man wants to serve the Lord. He is a church man, so get married to him so that his conscience will be free. Before you say 'I do', make sure that you go through a series of premarital counselling sessions. Tell your lawyer that I suggest that you do a prenuptial agreement. Though everything seems to be alright now, you can never tell what will happen in the future. If this man is wise, he will not object to a prenuptial agreement. I wish you well.

Pastor