12-year sexless marriage

Dear Pastor,

I am a 39-year-old man and I have been reading your column for as long as I can remember.

My wife and I have two children. We have been married for 12 years. The problem I'm having is that my wife and I have never made love. We don't kiss, not even a hug, because according to her, she is not interested in that kind of stuff. We don't have sex. Yes we have two children. When she became pregnant with the first child, she was drunk. That was the only reason why we had sex. After that night, we never had sex again until after our son was born, and I had to beg. Even with all my begging, she still would not do it so I forced myself on her and she became pregnant again. That was how we got two children.

Since then, I have stopped sleeping in the bed with her. I see no point in sleeping with someone I can't touch. She said that she doesn't want sex so I shouldn't want it either. I know she doesn't have anyone because she just works and comes home. I take her to work and pick her back up afterwards. She does not have any friends and she speaks to no one, not even to her relatives. I've known her since I was 12 years old and she was 10. I loved her from then, and for some reason, I still love her. Unfortunately, I don't know if she loves me or ever loved me at any point in time because she has never told me that.

I have tried everything possible to get her to act like a wife but nothing works. I asked her to let us go and see a family counsellor but she refused. I am at the point where I want to leave but I can't live without my children. They're very young, just eight and six years old. I know I have wasted my life with this woman. I have been seeing a young woman who loves me and wants us to get married. But I refuse to divorce this woman. Plus I don't think I will ever get married again. I will also tell my sons not to get married.

Rejected Husband

Dear Rejected Husband,

I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. But I am going to tell you to never swear for your wife. You take her to work and you pick her up after work and take her home, so you think that she is not seeing anyone. You are making a big mistake. I am not here accusing the woman of unfaithfulness. I am only saying to you that because you transport her to and from work doesn't mean that she is faithful to you. I repeat, I am sorry to hear what is going on.

You don't have a marriage and now you have turned to another woman. But at the same time you are saying that you don't want to divorce your wife because both of you have two children. This is a sick relationship. How can a man have a wife and not be able to carry out his sexual obligations to her? Why should his wife reject him over and over again and she is not ill? You have asked that both of you should go for counselling and she refused. Perhaps the time has come for you to see a lawyer. God will help you to take care of the children. I say no more.

Pastor