Wife told our child ‘Joe’ was her uncle

Dear Pastor,

I am 30 years old. I was married, but I am presently separated from my wife. We are not divorced. She said that for the children's sake we should not seek a divorce.

Many people can't understand how we are separated and live in the same house. We have two children. We spoke to both children and told them that mom and dad are not getting along, but it will not affect our love for them.

The problem started with my wife. She brought a man to our house and the children saw him and told me about it. Our first child, who is nine years old, saw this man coming out of the kitchen. She asked her mother who was the man, and her mother lied and told her it was her uncle. She has never met this uncle, so when I came home my daughter told me that she met uncle so-and-so. I asked my wife about it and she said our daughter is young, so she can't know all her relatives. I thought that to be very ,strange, but I left it there.

One day my wife and I were having dinner and her phone rang. I picked up the phone and I saw the 'uncle's name' come up. I handed the phone to her and I saw guilt on her face. I told her to excuse me, so I got up from the table to give her privacy. She went into the bathroom and answered. I asked her how comes suddenly she has to talk to folks privately. She said I should not think of anything bad, but the 'uncle' wanted her to know that his wife wasn't feeling well and she should come and see her the following day.

I told her that she should do so since it was urgent. My wife is a nurse.

When I got home from work, she was not at home. When 9 p.m. passed, I decided to call her and asked if she was still at the uncle's house. She said that she was on her way home. I could have gone for her, but she did not suggest that I should pick her up. When she came home, she came in a taxi and we had a heated argument. I told her that I suspected that she was cheating and she didn't have to cheat.

From that night, I did not touch her again. We continue to sleep on the same bed, until she decided to leave the matrimonial bed and sleep in her daughter's room. We separated ourselves. She still sleeps in our daughter's room and our daughter told me that mommy said she is not going to sleep with me again and that is when both of us decided that the relationship will not work, and if she wanted to sleep with 'uncle', she may go.

I educated my wife. I bought her everything she needed. I applied for her to come to the United States of America. And as soon as she got here she went to school. This is the second woman who has let me down. My wife has asked me to give her a little more time to move out. We don't argue or fight. I take my children out and she takes them out, too, but I told her that I do not want her to take my children to her so-called uncle, who is really and truly her lover. She said she got involved with this man because she wanted more out of life. What more can a woman want if her man has a good job and has supported her and put her in a lovely home that he inherited from his father? I can say that I have never cheated on this woman.

Before we separated, I asked her what she needed and she said nothing because what she needed, she has already got. She wanted an opportunity to live in America and I have given her that, and she can make her way.

I have started to see another woman, but we are only good friends, nothing more. This woman is older than I am. She has her children, and I do not want any more children, but I would love to marry again. She, too, is a nurse. I have always loved nurses. But this woman is a dedicated Christian. Sometimes when I cook, I offer my wife dinner and she enjoys it;, but if she cooks and leaves dinner for me, I do not eat it. I am afraid of her. Thanks for reading my letter.

T.B

Dear T.B.,

Thank you for writing. I am happy to know that your children have not heard their parents cursing each other while living in the same house. I wonder why is it that your wife decided to start an intimate relationship with another man. She wanted more out of life. But what she got from you, so many women would be glad to have: an education, a home and two lovely children. You have exercise patience and restraint.

I say restraint because some men would not have tolerated their women in another relationship while being married.

I commend your daughter for telling you what she saw. Your wife did not use common sense at all. She said she does not want anything else from you, but I would suggest that you discuss everything with a divorce attorney and get the appropriate advice before a final separation.

It is unfortunate that the relationship has to go this way. I hope the new relationship will go better. You love nurses, but I hope that this older nurse will treat you better.

Pastor