I don’t love sex

Dear Pastor,

I am 19 years old and I am living with my boyfriend. I used to live with my parents, but my parents got divorced and my mother left soon afterwards and went to live in the USA.

After the divorce, I was doing everything for my father. I did my best to take care of the house and I cooked three times per week. The only thing I did not like to do was to wash, but my father had a lady who would come and wash; not only his clothes but mine, and everything else. My father brought in a woman and she and I could not get along.

After my father's girlfriend came to live here, everything changed. She told me that she is in charge, so I would have to follow what she says. I told her that my father would have to tell me that because I am his daughter. She took over the cooking and told me I would have to cook for myself. We had a big argument and she said it is her duty to take care of my father. One day she used an expletive to me and I used back the same word to her. She complained to my father and he told me I was wrong to use that word to her. I told my father, in front of her, that I did not like her.

My boyfriend was living alone, so he told me I should come and live with him. I left my father's house and I have been living with my boyfriend since. Everything is going well except one thing; my boyfriend loves to have sex. He wants it every night. I do not love to have sex. I started to have sex when I was 16 and half years old and I have never enjoyed it. I was never raped or anything like that, but sex is not my cup of tea. I will do anything to please my boyfriend, but he can't understand why I would not try to please him. The truth is, I try to please him, but I don't love sex.

I have a trusted friend and I was talking to her about it and she asked me what position I like. She told me her favourite position and told me that I should try that position. I tried it, but didn't enjoy it.

I don't want to lose my boyfriend. I know he loves me but he told me that I may cause him to cheat because his needs have to be met. He is 23 years old. He used to have a girlfriend but they broke up because of me. I would like to know what to do to get to the point where I would love sex. Please give me your advice.

T.

Dear T.,

I am very sorry to know that you were forced to leave your father's house. Your father and you had a good relationship, but the relationship broke down after your father and mother were divorced and he brought a new woman into the house. It is unfortunate that this woman and you did not get along. It is evident that your father took her side and he expected you to respect her as the new woman of the house.

This woman didn't like you and your father made her to believe that she was in charge of everything. She had no right to use an expletive to you. Equally, as your father told you, you should not have repeated the curse word to her.

You are now living with your boyfriend, but you do not like to have sex so often. Your boyfriend wants to have sex every day and you declare sex is not something you like. Most girls like sex often and when their men are reluctant, they complain that their men probably have other women.

You did not mention that you are turned off from sex because you suffer from pain after having sex. One of the persons I counselled suffered from serious pains whenever she had sex with her man. So much so that her doctor told her to leave the man and she did exactly that. It was not a pleasant break up, her man threatened to beat her, but she was determine to leave him and so she did.

Some women, when they are going through menopause experience pain. I mention these things not to suggest that that might be your problem. I wonder also whether you are always depressed and you find it very difficult to relax. That is something you may want to discuss with your doctor. You said that you have never been raped. There can be some sort of psychological undertone.

You have made it clear that you do not like sex at all, so I would like to declare to you that you need to make an appointment with a gynaecologist or sex therapist and discuss this mater but do so only if you feel that this relationship with this man is threatened because judging from numerous people I have counselled, I know that it is hardly likely he would remain faithful to you if he has to always be fighting you for sex.

Perhaps the work you are doing is stressful and stress may cause you to be totally turned off from sex. So go to see a psychologist or a family counsellor. If possible, ask your boyfriend to accompany you.

Pastor