Tell Me Pastor

18-y-o not allowed to have a boyfriend

Dear Pastor,

I am 37 years old and I have three children, but only one is for my husband. The fathers of my two first children doesn't support them so it's my husband alone. I am not working. The only job I am qualified to do is days' work and my husband does not want me to go out and do days' work. Two of the children are in high school. The first one is working and going to college in the evening. The children respect my husband. He is a good husband to them, but the oldest one has a boyfriend and my husband told her that he does not want her to bring a boyfriend to the house, he wants her to focus on her lessons.

The guy dropped her home in a taxi and my husband was just entering the yard and he roughed her up so much that she didn't eat and she told me that if she had another place to go, she would leave because although she loves her father, she is old enough to have a boyfriend. She is 18 years old. When I spoke to my husband, he said that I shouldn't encourage her to have a boyfriend because I should remember that I got pregnant with her at 19.

I don't want my daughter to leave home. My husband is not telling her to leave home, he is just discouraging her from having a boyfriend. My daughter told me that she is not having sex, but I don't believe her. I am a woman and I see signs that she is having sex. She is hardly talking to her father since he roughed her up, but he still gives her money whenever she needs it.

Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother,

You have a good husband and the children have a very good father. Your husband should not even be considered as stepfather to your first two children. They are blessed. He has taken good care of them and has taken good care of you.

It is not because he hates your daughter why he is discouraging her from having a boyfriend, he is doing so out of fear. He believes that there is always a possibility that when a girl has a boyfriend, she might become sexually active and get pregnant. He might be going about counselling her the wrong way. He sounds over protective. He should calmly speak to her, but at the same time allow her to feel that he trusts her and has confidence in her.

Why would a girl be tempted to leave home because her father discourages her from keeping a boyfriend? Tell your daughter to continue to love her father and respect him and to understand that whatever he says to her is for her own benefit.

Pastor

Wife goes permanent vacation

n leaves husband to maintain her parents' house

Dear Pastor,

Dear Pastor,

I am 43 and living in my wife's parents house. I have been paying for everything, including their mortgage. My wife's parents migrated and the agreement was that we pay the mortgage and so that is what we were doing. My wife and I do not have children. She left me and went on a vacation and to this day she has not returned. She is now living with another man and I am here alone. My wife told me that she is no longer interested in having a relationship with me and she is not returning to live with me.

I contacted her parents and asked them about the house. I wanted them to sell me the house, but they are not interested in selling it. I have spent a lot of money to maintain the house because they were my in-laws and I believe that we were one family. My wife has got it into her head that I am having an affair with another girl and nothing can be further from the truth. I am not a saint and I only started to go with other women when it was clear to me that my wife is not coming back to be with me.

How would I get back all the money that I have spent on this house? Pastor, what would you do?

P.T

Dear P.T.,

I think that you need to go and see a lawyer. You have put a lot of money in this house. The question is, did you have a written contract with the parents of your estranged wife? Your wife and yourself were supposed to pay the mortgage. That sounds like that would have been the amount of rent that they were charging you and the house was just left in the hands of your wife and yourself. As their daughter and son-in-law, they probably expected both of you to take care of the house.

Now that your wife has left you, you are in a dilemma. You believe that it is hard for you to leave that house after paying so much for the upkeep, etc. Your in-laws are not willing to sell their house. It is part of their assets and they are probably looking forward to returning to Jamaica when they retire.

A lawyer, I believe, is the best person to give you advice on this matter. Your wife has decided that she is not coming back to live with you. You may want to discuss that with your lawyer too, but that aspect of your life is easier to deal with than the house.

Pastor

Desperately needs a job

Dear Pastor,

Stress is going to kill me. My husband is a school teacher. He got me pregnant at the tender age of 16 while I was attending school. We have been together for 34 years. He does not give me anything. I have gone hungry for days. I am also a Christian.

Please help me to get a live-in helper job.

Wife

Dear Wife,

Your husband should be ashamed of himself. Although you did not say that you were a student at the school he was teaching, I have come to realise that you were attending the same school that he was teaching when he got you pregnant. Both of you got married, but this man has not supported you. You have been living in hell on earth, so to speak. And it is a shame to have a husband who has been a school teacher for these many years and has not been supporting you well as his wife. And he has not tried to help you to go back to school.

And now you as his wife is pleading for a live-in job. This man was fortunate that no one reported him to the Ministry of Education when he got you pregnant.

I would like readers to know that I have spoken to you by phone and that you live in rural Jamaica with your husband, but you are eager to leave and to become a live-in helper because you need help and house work is all that you know how to do.

I am very sorry to hear of your dilemma and I am going to try my best to help you.

Pastor

Is love the key?

Dear Pastor,

Love is the key for keeping two people together. If they lose that touch of love, they will drift apart. Men must remember to take their women on dates, even after they are married. Men are shying away from their responsibilities these days. Hence, the women are wearing the pants in the relationship.

Good Man

Dear Good Man,

It might appear to you that love is the key in keeping a relationship together. It brings people together, but after a while some people appear to grow out of love. When money is not running and the bills cannot be paid, couples so often abandon the love they have for each other and seek other relationships they believe can help them to meet their daily obligations.

I am not saying that that is right, but let's face it, the man who says to his wife 'I love you' every day and brings nothing to the table should not expect his partner to find money to feed him. And as we all know, a couple cannot make love on hungry belly. So, while couples say that they are in love they should work together to support their family and to keep the relationship going.

Pastor