My uncle says he is my father

Dear Pastor,

Christmas is not always a joyful time for me. People always say I am different from my other siblings.

My mother had a child before she met my father. They did not get married before her third child was born. Pastor, I am that third child.

My father is hard-working. My mother is on the sporty side. When we go out with her, people always say we look like sisters. That is because of the way my mother dresses. She wears skirts below her knees. She also likes to wear tights.

One Christmas we had the family together. My father's brother was there. He drank too much and started to talk. When my father tried to control him, he blurted out and called him a fool and said, "You don't see that your wife gave you bun and you claimed the child?"

He was referring to me. My father was very upset. Other family members had to calm him down. My uncle claimed, in his drunkenness, that he had an affair with my mother. He said I was the love child from the affair. My father was so upset he could not eat. My mother denied the allegations, but I look more like my uncle than my father.

Those who were there insisted I do a DNAtest.

My mother is against it. My father is against it and I prefer not to know. Pastor, this so-called uncle is always nice to me. If I needed something and ask, he would give it to me.

Do you think he is exeptionally kind to me because he knows I am his child? My father does not treat me differently but i get depressed during the Christmas season because I remember what happened. My mother and I don't talk about it. My uncle has never been back to the house.

M.K.

Dear M.K.,

I am glad that the man you have known to be your father and your uncle did not get into a physical fight. Very often, men say things when they are intoxicated. Some are not totally drunk, but they feel more comfortable saying things that are on their minds.

They can't help themselves. They just say the things that have been on their minds. Oftentimes, these are unpleasant stories.

The question is, would this man who is claiming to be your biological father say such a terrible thing if it were not so? If indeed your uncle is speaking the truth, the shame is not on you.

No, you have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame is on your mother and your so-called uncle. If your uncle had approached her for sex, she should not have agreed; nor should he have approached her. Both of them have done something that is abominable.

I could see why Christmas season can be a little depressing for you. I am glad that your father continues to treat you well. I hope the day will come when your mother would have the courage to talk to you about it.

I feel foolish in making that statement, but your mother knows whether the revelation of your uncle is true.

Be good to yourself. I repeat, it is not your fault if your uncle and your mother had sex and she got pregnant with you. I wish you well. Love your parents in spite of what others may say.

Pastor