25 years old and still a virgin

Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. I am 25 years old and I am still a virgin. I have had two boyfriends who left me because I refused to have sex with them.

I am a Christian and I believe that as a Christian, I should wait until I am married to have sex.

I grew up with one of these guys and everybody thought that we would have got married. He was a nice guy. The only thing we did not do was have sex. We went everywhere together. We even slept together one night after going to a wedding and it was too late for him to take me home.

Before I went to his house was I had him make a pledge that he would not try to have sex with me, and he agreed. Now, I cannot say I did not sleep with a man, I did with him, but nothing happened.

While we were friends, he became involved with another girl, who was also a Christian. He told me that he had to break up with me because they got involved sexually. I was furious because I thought that he would have chosen me. I asked him how he could have done that to me. He said I was not serious about the relationship and I put him through a lot. I cried for days when he told me that he was going to get married to the girl.

The other guy was not fully a Christian. He went to church but was not active. He told me from the very outset that he was not buying puss in bag and no sex meant we couldn't get married.

I am currently dating a guy and it is the same argument over sex. He is 23 years old. He cannot believe that I am a virgin. He told me that whether I was a virgin or not he would marry me, but he had been told that the older a woman got was the more problems he would have when she had sex for the first time - it would be more painful.

He wants to buy me an engagement ring, but he also wants us to have sex on the night we get engaged. I am sticking out for not having sex, but I am tired of losing guys over this virginity thing.

I would like your opinion.

Virgin

Dear Virgin,

No one should force you to have sex if you do not wish to do so. Girls come under tremendous pressure from men who believe that they should have sex with the women first before marrying them.

They are fearful of getting married and later on discovering that these women have a deformity. That is why they say they are not buying puss in bag.

You were quite fortunate to have gone so far with the young man with whom you grew up and escape from having sex with him even though both of you slept together one night.

Perhaps one could say that he was a gentleman because he could have forced you to have sex with him.

The other guy told you that he was not willing to waste time and he wanted sex, so he left you.

You see, my dear sister, this problem of premarital sex is real. Even some parents tell their sons that before they marry, they should have sex with the women they love.

Many even urge their sons to try and get the woman pregnant so as to make sure that these women can bear children.

It seems to me that you truly loved your first boyfriend. He could have insisted that you got a certificate from the doctor to prove that you were in good health and that you were indeed a virgin, but he wanted to prove it himself.

This man who is your junior is surprised that you are still a virgin. But you don't need to be ashamed of that. If both of you decide to get married, meet with a family counsellor and have sessions together.

The counsellor might suggest that you read certain books and discuss the content during counselling sessions.

I wish you well. You are a woman of strong Christian convictions, therefore, you should not lower your standards to please a man.

Pastor