My man refuses to give me money

Dear Pastor,

I am not a Jamaican, but I follow your columns frequently and I would love some advice.

I have been in a relationship for more than 10 years. I love this man but I am not sure if he feels the same way toward me. We have been living together for six years, but things are nowhere near the loving, happy family I had imagined.

We have a son together and we are both employed. He earns much more than I do, but he says bills, and anything extra, apart from our son, must be split evenly between us. However, when this is done, I hardly have any money left that I can use for transportation, lunch, etc. He does not give me any money that I can use for myself at all. If I ask him for money, he gets upset. He hides his wallet and he is hardly affectionate. He doesn't take me out. We hardly do anything together. We only exist in the same space. He doesn't say much to me when we are at home together.

We bought a house together but we are not married. I feel alone. I suggested to him more than once that he should go for counselling, but he claims nothing is wrong with him. Dealing with him makes me feel stressed. The situation is taking a toll on me. I am not happy. What should I do?

A.B

Dear A.B.,

I regret hearing that you are very unhappy. I am assuming that when you met this man and the relationship started both of you were happy together, so some things went wrong. I believe you that you love this man. If you didn't love him, you would not have stayed with him for 10 years. So my question is: When did the relationship start to deteriorate, and what caused it? A relationship does not suddenly go bad.

What happened?

A couple should not fool themselves. Something spoiled this beautiful relationship. Did you suspect that he cheated? If he did, why did you not seek help? I do not understand why you bought a house together if this man was so horrible.

Clearly, this man has his fault, but you loved him enough to purchase a house with him and to have a child by him. I want you to know that it is not unusual for some men to insist that payments of bills should split 50/50. Many years ago when I found out that some professionals insist that their partners must put their 50 per cent on all bills, I was surprised.

My dear father paid all the bills in his house and all my brothers did the same in their homes. My mother was not asked to pay anything. My brothers' women were not required to contribute anything to their homes either. We learned from our father and paid all the bills. To this day, I have paid all the bills in my house, although I have had a working wife.

However, I cannot condemn any man who insists that his woman should give 50 per cent of every bill in the house.

Now some men may ask, if a man is paying all the bills, what does his wife do with her money? As I see it, it is her money and she should be allowed to use her money how she feels. Your man is unfair to you. He knows that you do not work as much as he does. Therefore, he should not hesitate in giving you money whenever you are in need of it. In fact, you shouldn't even have to ask him. He is behaving as a very mean and inconsiderate spouse. He doesn't trust you and that is why he is always hiding his wallet.

I am indeed sorry to know that you are not happy, and I would say that although your husband has refused to go to see a family counsellor, he should do so, so that you can learn to cope with this situation in which you have found yourself.

I do believe that you want your relationship to work, but not all relationships work. The counsellor will give you guidance. My prayers are with you.

Pastor