I regret sleeping with my brother

Dear Pastor,

I am 30 and I have a concern. I married a man who was married before. Our relationship started well.

He has one daughter with his former wife. That woman and I used to work with the same organisation, but after they started to have problems, he began to show interest in me. I applied for a transfer and it was granted.

I moved from that location, but by that time, his wife found out that he liked me and we started to date. She asked me if we were really serious about each other and I told her the truth. She told me she was not mad with me because I did not cause the break-up. She said he was mean but I couldn't understand that, because during our courtship he was not mean to me. He questions me about everything. He wanted me to get into detail about my past life and I told him everything, but I regret it.

I told him that I had sex with my brother. It came out because he wanted to find out who took my virginity. My brother and I used to sleep on the same bed and we used to play with each other's private parts. My parents did not know that. We had three rooms; my parents occupied one room, my grandmother was in one, and my brother and I slept in the other room.

We used to change our clothes in front of each other. I did not hide anything from my brother. He was the first man to suck my breasts. One evening, my brother just came on me and we had sex; that was the first time I had sex. I told this man that it was not planned. He asked me if I had sex with my brother again and I told him we did it a few times after. But it was a stupid thing to say.

One night when this man and I were making love, and I made an expression, and he asked me whether he is good or better than my brother. I felt ashamed and I could not sleep after that. I don't know what has gone wrong, but recently, every time we have a disagreement he tells me any woman that sleeps with her brother cannot be trusted. Whenever I am tired and not in the mood to have sex, he has to bring up my brother's name. I told my brother what is going on and he has often said that he regrets what we did. This man talks as if he wants me to hate my brother, but I cannot because we were both wrong. He did not rape me; we were just young and stupid.

I was ill and had to do surgery. This man could have paid for it, but he said that he could not afford all of it. My insurance paid part of it and my brother took care of the rest, but I can't let this man know. I know I am not a perfect Christian, but I don't lie to this man.

My brother got married last year and I was asked to toast him. This man was there and when I said that I loved my brother, he cleared his throat. I got nervous and didn't say much more. After the reception, my brother hugged me and said, "You did well, sister". My mind is turning away from this man, so please give me your advice.

R.D.

Dear R.D.,

This man continues to embarrass you. He has got to know too much about you.

You have tried to be honest with him, but you made a fundamental mistake by telling him every aspect of your past. Now he wants to treat you worse than a mongrel. As a counsellor of many years, I have taught that a man does not have to know everything about a woman's past. When some men are told everything, they throw it back on the women, and that is exactly what this man is doing to you. He is behaving as if his life was perfect.

You should seriously consider doing two things; tell him that you are very uncomfortable remaining with him, therefore you would like both of you to go and see a family counsellor. If he says nothing is wrong with the relationship, tell him that if he mentions what happened between your brother and you one more time, you are going to divorce him. And mean it.

I am glad that your brother has helped you in many ways. Both of you cannot erase your past. Try your very best to buy a home. You did not say anything about the type of work you do. What I mean is that if you are not college-trained, try and go to college. Don't spend any money on this man; he is not a good man. Write me again if you can.

Pastor