Husband not satisfying me sexually

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 and I am having a problem. I come from a large family. I had to fend for myself from I was in my early teens.

I have two other sisters and they had to do the same things. They got pregnant, but I didn't. I was just fortunate. When I became 19, I settled with one man. He was very helpful but he told me that one thing I would have to get accustomed to is that he had other women. I told him I will not make that bother me. He made sure that I had money every week. I saw him twice per week. He always wanted sex so I gave him. One day we were having sex at a place and we had to run for our lives. Men were after my boyfriend. I asked him what he did but he did not want to tell me. I started to attend church, but I did not leave this man; I still depended on him for everything.

Then I got baptised and cut off everybody because the pastor helped me to get a job. A man in the church fell in love with me and we got married two years ago. I love him but I am sure he loves me more. He has a nice home. I took one of my brothers to live with us. This man is 49. He does his own business. I do not want to stray, but he has not given me an orgasm. I have to help myself. When I told my husband that I am not happy having sex with him, he said maybe I have seen some other man that I want to go with. But that is not the case. The last guy I had used to bring me to orgasm; I was always satisfied. The only time I have come to orgasm while having sex with this man, I had to think that it was the other guy having sex with me. I know that is not right. My husband does not play with me enough and I think that is part of the problem.

My ex-boyfriend used to have oral sex with me but my husband is not into that at all. He said that Christians should not practise oral sex. I have everything to my comfort, but I need to be sexually satisfied. I cannot discuss this with anybody in the church and I do not want to embarrass my husband by saying it to the pastor. There is a woman in the church and the pastor said that women can talk to her about any problems they are having with their husbands. But I will not talk to her about these things. She is about 70.

I would like to know what I should do. I hope that you will respond.

B.L.

Dear B.L.,

You said that you are from a community where some young people are very promiscuous and your sisters and you became sexually active when you were in your teens.

Fortunately, you did not become pregnant, but you had your man who provided you with everything and he gave you money every week. I am happy to hear that you became a Christian and eventually got married. Your husband is a good man and he has been taking care of you. It is unfortunate that you are not enjoying sex with him. You do not experience orgasm and that has caused your mind to stray and to think of one of the men who you used to have sex with regularly.

I want to tell you that there are other women just like you. Whenever they are making love with their husbands, if they are not thinking about a previous partner, they do not experience orgasm. Some men are better than others when it comes to sex. Some men know that foreplay is important so they are not in a hurry to engage in sexual intercourse. Your husband does not do certain things and although you have asked him to, he has not complied. Perhaps what you need to do is to buy certain books. Read them to your husband and tell him that making love is not a sin. Perhaps both of you did not have premarital counselling. If you had, different topics would have been discussed. Perhaps you believe that because he was a much older man, he would have known certain things.

Concerning the matter of oral sex - if your husband believes it is wrong, you will not be able to change his mind, I am concerned because you do not want to put anybody before your husband. So I suggest that you tell your husband that you are unhappy with your sex life and you would like both of you to see a family counsellor with whom you may discuss this problem. Do not be surprised if he is reluctant, but please insist.

Pastor