Ask for what you want sexually

When it comes to sex there are so many things that people seems to get wrong. When I get complaints from people about the dissatisfaction with their partners sexual performance, they are usually one-sided.

My close female friends, for example, like to call me a give me detailed descriptions of their sexual trysts, and they are not afraid to tell me how lame the man was, how he had no idea how to please her or even how he didn't even seem to be interested in her pleasure at all. Whenever I get these types of complaints, my follow-up question is usually: "So what did you do?"

I don't want to make it seem like only women are guilty of being dissatisfied sexually, but there is a difference with the way women are socialised and how they are expected to act during sex. Socialisation teaches us that it's OK for men to be aggressive and initiate sex and women should be submissive and 'allow' the man to 'take her'. The problem with this way of thinking is that we end up with a lot of sexually frustrated women. Another challenge with the way women are socialised is that she is not encouraged to speak up about her sexual requirements.

The fact is, no man knows how to please every woman, so there is a lot of trial and error. So, not only encourage women to ask for what she wants sexually, I advocate for her to play a more active role in her pleasure. This is one of the main reasons I encourage masturbation. In addition to the multiple health benefits, it helps her to be more confident with her body and she is more aware of what she enjoys sexually. Plus, a woman who masturbates is overall a better lover because she has the confidence to not only please her partner, she can help her partner please her.

less experienced

So ladies, stop laying down and taking what your partner is giving to you, specifically if you don't enjoy it. Ask for what you want. It is important before a couple gets sexual for them to at least talk about their sexual like and dislikes. Ask each other, 'What are you into?', and be honest with the answer. For some reason, there is an expectation for women to be less experienced than her male partner. Instead of trying to fit these stereotypes, express yourself. Tell your partner how you like to by touched, how you like to be kissed, and how much you enjoy it when they get it right. Like it or not, communication is important to the success of every relationship - even the sexual ones.

So, if you are not happy with what's happening, say to your partner, 'I like it when you ...', and finish the sentence. Stop expecting your partner to know exactly what you want; they are not mind readers. So whether you choose to whisper it softly in the ear, or scream it out loud, always asks for what you want sexually. Remember also that not all communication is verbal, so you can indicate what you want as well. You are responsible for your pleasure, so stop giving the full responsibility to your partner, after all sex is a contact sport. So go, get your freak on. Have fun and stay sexy.

Send your questions or comments to sexychatwithshelly@gmail.com or Tweet me @drsexyann or Facebook www.facebook.com/allaboutthesexy Website: www.drsexyann.com.

Question

Dear Dr Sexy-Ann,

I don't enjoy sexual intercourse. Whenever my boyfriend does it, I close my eyes and hope he finishes quickly. It actually hurts when he does it. What can I do?

Mesha, Red Hills

Dear Mesha,

Quite a few women don't really enjoy intercourse, so that's why clitoral stimulation is so important to female pleasure. But what you describe sounds a little more than that. Sounds to me like you are not aroused when he enters you since it hurts. Maybe you can invest in some intimate lubricant as well. Talk to your partner and tell him what you enjoy and ask him to do it. Try to be more active in your pleasure and help your boyfriend please you.

Good luck

Dr Sexy-Ann