Having second thoughts on my marriage

Dear Pastor,

I have been married for a few years now and my husband and I dated for much longer. We are in our late 20s. He lives in Jamaica and I live in the US. Before we got married, he was working but not making a lot of money. I was okay with that. He got a better job since we have been married, and he has always worked really hard. It doesn't pay much, and he doesn't really ask for personal support, but I send him money now and again because I think it's fair because I live more comfortably here.

I found out that he recently had an affaire because we don't hide passwords and I saw conversations when I visited. He had also become more distant, so I had a feeling before I went that he was having an affaire. He said he would end it.

Several months later, I confronted him about continuing the affaire. Unfortunately, I was right. I found out that he gave her money. We have goals that require long-term savings. He has saved money, but I am upset that our goals could have been further than they are and that I have done most of the financial work while she just had to sleep with him and get money. He said it was normal for a man sleeping with a woman, but that is not how it has ever worked with us.

I forgave him when I first found out. I accepted that it has been years now and that we are young and people make bad decisions sometimes and I moved on. I also accepted that while it was dishonest and disrespectful, we got into a serious relationship while we were really young and health issues have also not allowed us to have sex sometimes when I visit.

I wish he had just been honest. I work long hours and live abroad. I would have understood. When I found out that he was still seeing her, the trust was broken in a different way. They are not talking now, but I was also shocked at how easily he moved on for the sake of our marriage and how much he was willing to risk for minutes of pleasure. He says it was purely physical and she knew that and that at the time, he thought he was slick and that since she wouldn't cause drama, it would be fine. He acknowledged that there are no excuses that would make what he did okay.

We have talked a lot about what happened and what he has done. He has done a lot of self-reflection, lifestyle changes, and changes to his social media accounts and more. He says he is committed to working, and we are trying. I believe him now based on some really hard and honest conversations we have had. It's hard to attend counselling since we don't live in the same country.

While we work on things, I am not comfortable sending money towards completing our home, which is something I agreed to do. I don't want to use money as a weapon. I am wondering if stopping contributions to that goal while we work on things is just being petty. He often says, "Your money and my money" and that the money he gave her was not mine, but he agreed that giving money to her has affected our plans so our money cannot always be considered separate. I feel like we should have talked more about this before marriage.

We will live in the same place in a year. I am glad we can sort this out before we do.

Do you think I am being unfair and cheap to put that on hold until we are in a better place? How can we work on our marriage while we are apart?

We dedicate time to talking about the issues regularly. I have forgiven him, but my feelings are hurt and it will take time. If we don't come to a full understanding of respect, I will never use the house anyway. He expressed a lot of shame and regret. He just convinced himself of reasons to make himself feel it was okay. Few people know and most think our relationship looks perfect. No relationship is perfect and it feels dishonest. I really thought maybe we would be special and he wouldn't cheat. Sometimes I look at him and just think, how did we get here?

Wife

Dear Wife,

Try and stick with your husband. Evidently, he has made grave mistakes which he has regretted, and according to you, he has been trying to adjust and to change his lifestyle, so work with him.

You usually send money. If you are convinced that the money you are sending is to work on the house, continue to do so. Do not stop, but warn him that nothing you send should be given to this woman or any other woman for that matter. Spend as much time with him on the phone and don't be away from him for too long.

I wish both of you well. And if it's possible at all to see a family counsellor when you are in Jamaica, do so.

Pastor