Help me find a girlfriend please, pastor!

Dear Pastor,

I am a single man. I have never had sex. I cannot take the single life anymore. Sometimes I feel sorry that I was born.

I just feel like killing myself. Can you help me find a girlfriend please?

K

Dear K,

I hope that after you get married you will be in a position to enjoy any amount of sex.

If any woman is interested in meeting you, I will let you know.

Pastor