I don't know which man to choose

Dear Pastor,

I am 27. I have been in and out of a relationship for the last six years. Last year our relationship got sour and we broke up. I started a relationship with a close acquaintance of mine, who led me to believe he was married. Four months into the relationship my ex-boyfriend and I became friends again.

I started going to church and I became a Christian; the same goes for my ex-boyfriend, who is now my partner. The man whom I thought was married offered to marry me when I told him I was going into church. He has a licensed firearm, so I was afraid to tell him the whole truth. I am now living with my partner, but the bible speaks about remarriage and he was once married. I am truly and deeply in love with him.

The problem is, every time we have an argument he tells me to leave. I have a place to stay, but it's not finished. The bathroom facility is not ready as yet. The man whom I thought was married is pressuring me to marry him. He even has his friends texting and calling me, trying to persuade me to marry him. I can't avoid him because he is my superior. I am eagerly awaiting your response.

S.H.

Dear S.H.,

I know for sure that you should end the relationship with the man with whom you are living. That might sound harsh, but I will tell you the reason why. You love him and there is no question in your mind about that, but I am putting it to you that he does not love you as much as you love him. The relationship is one-sided. He is not committed to you. Any man who would tell the woman with whom he is living, over and over again that she should get out of his house, doesn't care much about her at all. That is not the way a man should talk to his woman whenever they have a disagreement.

I do not even think it is necessary for me to address the issue of divorce and remarriage. I do not hold the view that a person cannot divorce and remarry. If that were the only issue with this relationship, I would not discourage you from getting married to him. I know, however, that he is not treating you well. He is a show-off. He behaves as if you are a child and he is a big bully and that he has the right to push you around. He is rude and out of order.

Concerning the man you described as your superior, you say that this man lied to you when both of you became intimate. He would not consider it a lie. He might say that he fooled you and he would also tell you that the reason why he said so was because he didn't want you to get too close. At first, he wanted a hit-and-run relationship, and by that I mean he wanted to get into your life, have sex with you and move on - no strings attached. But somehow, getting to know you well, he came to realise that he would love for you to be his wife.

While he was dilly-dallying you moved on, and he has now come to realise that he has probably lost you and is offering you marriage. The problem is, how do you determine whether he is speaking the truth now? Is it that he wants to get you back into his life and drop you as punishment for leaving him? Some men do so all the time.

You need not be fearful about his licensed firearm. If you feel at any time that your life is in danger or he is threatening you, you need to report him forthwith to the police. He ought not to be using his friends to talk to you. Good friends hardly let down each other, especially if they are male.

After you have left the so-called boyfriend with whom you live and your head is clear, you can decide what you should do about this man who wants to get back into your life. And no decision should be made until both of you have undergone counselling sessions.

Pastor