Wife playing the role of girlfriend

Dear Pastor,

I am 40 years old. I was married for 17 years. I would say I had a happy marriage. I have three children with my husband. Everything went well. The only probably I had with my husband was that he used to drink, but when he drank he never cursed bad words or anything as some men do. He would be the sweetest man to me and regardless who was around, he would hug me and ask me if I am vexed with him because he had a few drinks. Then he would go and lie down and sleep it off. I knew he was a jealous man, but I was able to deal with that. I tried not to give him any cause to make him jealous. We got along.

We had a helper and I noticed that the both of them became very close; and by the time I caught up with them and was about to fire the young woman, she told me she was pregnant for my husband. By that time, I made plans to go away for three months, so I could not do anything like cancelling my plans. I went away and this girl slept with my husband all the time I was away. Neighbours called me and told me. I called the house in the middle of the night and she answered the phone. I asked her what she was doing at my house at that time, but she didn't answer. She handed the phone to my husband. I was so upset. I told him to get her out of my house. He said he would have to leave too because he was the one who got her in trouble.

I came back two weeks before my time and found out that she was still sleeping with him, so I told her to go. My husband kept his word and left with her. They set up a house. After a while, he came around. The girl had the baby, but he kept coming back home and I didn't say a word. I found myself having sex with him. The first time it happened I cried. When he left, I asked him for a divorce. He said he did not believe in that. He said, "You are my wife". I told him I am his ex-wife.

This man and I are not living together permanently, but when he comes home I treat him well and he doesn't have to force himself on me. I always let him have his way. I was hoping that he would leave the girl, but it looks as if I am wasting my time. It must be that he loves her more than me. My children say that I should not divorce him because they would not consider her their step-mother.

Pastor, please give me your opinion.

J.M.

Dear J.M.,

Why don't you ask your husband whether he would be willing for both of you to go and see a family counsellor? Both of you are behaving as if you are giddy-headed teenagers. You said that you love this man and that you had a wonderful relationship with him. His only problem was that he used to drink, but he did not give any problem.

He became sexually involved with the helper and you rightly kicked her out, and he decided to go with her. Perhaps you thought you could do without him, but time has proven you wrong and both of you are cohabiting again. But now you are playing the role of the girlfriend because he is not living with you. He is living with your former helper and he has a visiting relationship with you, although you are supposed to be his wife.

You know that you want back your husband, so why don't you take him back? Tell him to leave the girl. She is going to question why he would leave her and his young child and come back to you; there is where a counsellor would come in. He needs to understand the vows that he made with you. Why should you play the role of the girlfriend, the person who is commonly called in Jamaica, the 'sweetheart', Are you prepared to have your husband coming to you and you giving him sex and then he leaves you and go back to his child's mother? What foolishness is that? It is either this man stays with you or he stays with his sweetheart. But if you don't do something, he will continue to come to you and go back to his girlfriend, so make up your mind what you want to do.

Pastor