Father upset that I am living with a man

Dear Pastor,

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 24. We have been going together for two years and we are getting along fairly well.

We are planning to get married, so we decided that we would live together to save some money. We both drive, but the car I drive belongs to my father. He said that he bought it for me, but he pays the insurance, the registration, and does the repairs. The car is only two years old.

I asked my father whether I can sell the car because my boyfriend and I have decided to live together. I was surprised when my father said I should bring his car and park it in the yard. That was his way of telling me that he did not want me to live with my boyfriend. I reminded my father that he said the car was mine, although he did not buy it in my name. He said, "Yes, it is still yours, but since you have a man in your life, that man must take care of you." Then he mentioned that he and my mother did not live together until they were married, so why should I be living with a man and I am not yet married? I got the message.

My boyfriend's car is old and it is always breaking down. I did not expect my father to tell me to bring the car and park it at his house. He told me he likes my boyfriend, but a good man should not encourage a woman to live with him or plan to get married if he cannot afford it. The way my father is thinking is an old way, but I love him. I was planning to ask him to give me away on my wedding day, but I have changed my mind. I am going to ask my godfather.

I cannot tell my boyfriend that my father wants back the car or that he does not want me to sell it. My father says after we get married, I can use the car. He feels that we want to sell the car to help us have enough money for our wedding. I don't want anything to spoil the relationship with my father. I do not even allow my boyfriend to drive the car. My mother says that my father is always saying that he grew me up in church and he did not expect me to live with a man before getting married.

He belongs to a club in Kingston and they have some strange beliefs about how children should be treated. They are very strict. I am still driving the car, and I don't intend to park it at my father's house. My mother says that I should not worry; he will not take the car away from me. But I cannot tell my boyfriend the truth about the car.

F.T.

Dear F.T.,

Your father is an old-timer. He maintains certain principles. He believes that a girl should not leave her parents' house and live with a man until they are married.

I know a man who watches his daughter like a hawk. He believes that it is his responsibility to see to it that she remains a virgin until marriage. He told me that whenever he gives her away on her wedding day, she should be a virgin.

Everyone in the community knew this and because of his beliefs, he restricted his daughter from doing many things and from going to places where she might be tempted to have sex. The young woman was very unhappy at home and she broke his heart by running away. So her father did not have the joy of giving her away on her wedding day as a virgin.

You met a man and both of you started to go together. You agreed to go and live with him. The car you are driving was bought by your father. He said it is yours, and he did not restrict you from using it. But when you asked him whether you could sell the car, he objected. You cannot understand why, but he gave you the reason. He told you that he did not like his daughter to be living with a man in concubinage before she is married.

Don't be silly and upset with your father. Although he told you that the car is for you, what he meant is that the car is available for you to go anywhere at any time, but he maintains the ownership. Make sure you ask your father to give you away on the wedding day and not your godfather. To ask your godfather is to insult your father.

Pastor