She’s a great cook but doesn’t want children

Dear Pastor,

I am a 40-year-old man who always read your column, and I have used your advice to help others.

I was married but, unfortunately, my wife and I are divorced. I had one daughter with my wife. My wife went abroad and got involved in a relationship and divorced me five years ago. I have now met another woman who is 45 years old. She has never been married. She does not have any children. We have been attending the same church. She does not want to discuss our future with our pastor because he is young and only recently graduated from Bible college. My wife taught him in Sunday school, so this woman does not feel that she would be comfortable taking guidance from him. I cannot say that I disagree with her, but she is also questioning why we should seek premarital counselling, since we are seasoned adults.

I have my own home, although it is not fully paid for. She also has her own home. I would have loved to have two more children, but she is not interested in children. She has helped many of her relatives, and some of them have gone on to college and are doing well. I am wondering whether I am making a mistake.

My brother, who is 61 years old, told me that I should marry a younger woman and try to impregnate her so I can have a child who would carry my name. I consider what he says as good advice, but this woman loves me and has been taking care of me. I eat at her house every Sunday after church, and the believers know that I go there. I get my carrot or soursop juice every Sunday with my dinner. How can I now tell this woman that I am leaving her?

I can see myself taking care of a child, but this woman does not want any. I know that she is jealous because she is always looking at me when the girls in the church are chatting up with me. I am asking for your advice. Am I making a mistake in marrying this woman, or should I listen to my brother and marry someone who is much younger who can give me a child?

L.R.

Dear L.R.,

I am assuming that your daughter is living with her mother. I hope that you are having a good relationship with her. You are now in love with a woman who is five years older than you; her age is not the issue here. What is the issue is that you would love to father another child but this woman does not want any, so that has to be ruled out. She might be a very good cook, and perhaps you genuinely love her, but not having a child with her would not make you happy, so you should tell her that. The longer you stay with her in courtship, you are giving her the impression that you will marry her.

I would say that your older brother has given you sound advice. If you want to have more children, tell this woman that the relationship must come to an end. Expect her to be very upset with you; she may even curse you and call you a deceiver. But you would have to stand your ground, and you will have to stop going to her house for dinner. It might not be wise to even date one of the younger girls from the church, because that may cause animosity with this woman and that person. It would be wise to inform the pastor that the relationship between this older woman and yourself has ceased, and let him know why.

It is unfortunate that your wife divorced you. People are divorcing each other with regularity after they have been living separate and apart from each other for a number of months or years. But brother, you are still young. Find yourself another woman and get married. I wish you well.

Pastor