My husband collects nudes pics of other women

Dear Pastor,

I have decided to write you because I did something that really upset my husband. We have been living together for three years, but married for a year. Before we got married, I found some pictures of girls in a drawer where he keeps his documents. I was very surprised because these were nude pictures, and I asked him about them. He said he got kicks by looking at them. He didn't have any of me, although I knew that I sent him a few. He said he respect me too much to have those around. He promised that after we got married, he would destroy them. I told him alright.

I went back into the drawer recently and I saw that he still had these pictures. You might wonder why I went back into the drawer. I was looking for his insurance documents. I was angry, so I took all the pictures, tore them up and burnt them. He asked me if I had found his insurance policy and I told him yes, and that I also found the nude pictures and destroyed them. The man got so angry, I could not believe.

He realised that I was talking the truth when I told him I burnt them. I reminded him that he promised to destroy them after we are married. He said even if he had made that promise to me, I had no right to do so.

I told my husband that even if he wanted to see a woman in the nude, I am here. No other woman should turn him on. He said it was a good thing I have not found some of his erotic movies of couples having sex. He proudly declared that he has some of those, but I will never find them.

I told my husband that he is sick and needs counselling. Now, I would like to ask why a man should have such videos of couples performing sexual acts if his wife is satisfying him. Even before we were married and we have sex, I used to ask him if I met his sexual needs, and he used to tell me yes. I would like to know whether my husband is a sex addict. I also want to know whether I should encourage him to seek counselling.

There are some weird things that he does. If we are driving and he sees a woman with a heavy rear, it is likely that he will go crazy. He did not display this kind of behaviour before we got married. Please, tell me what is happening.

M.B.

Dear M.B.,

In the first place, I must tell you that you made a mistake by destroying the nude pictures that you saw in your husband's drawer. It was not the first time you were seeing them. Both of you had a discussion about them and he promised that after both of you were married, he would destroy them. You saw these pictures again and you took the liberty to destroy them by burning them. That got your husband in a rage.

You did not expect him to react that way. However, your action caused him to tell you that he has videos of couples having sex and you will not see them. By his statement, you believe that he has a sex problem, and might be a sex addict and in need of professional help.

You feel that with you, around he should not have any desire to look at erotic movies, even if it is for his entertainment.

I am not sure that I agree with you when you say that your husband is sick and that he needs professional help. The questions I would like to ask are: What would a sex therapist do for him? Is he/she going to tell him what to do to stop looking at these movies? Suppose your husband does not want to stop, are you going to force him to cease looking at them? Whether you know it or not, unless a person wants to stop doing certain things, they will not stop. Therefore, the fundamental issue to consider is whether this man is hurting himself in any way.

Counsellors have different opinions as to whether sexual movies can help to enhance a relationship or not. I will therefore suggest that instead of trying to change your husband, you should change your attitude towards him. Please understand that I am not here sanctioning what your husband has done or continue to do. I am just saying that if you push him too much, you may hurt your marriage.

Pastor