My wife is almost never in the mood for sex

Dear Pastor,

I am a faithful, young, married man and I am having some issues where getting sex is concerned.

I have to keep begging my wife for sex, and she only gives me if and when she feels like. I really love my wife and I do apply understanding. I am aware that there are many factors that can impact a person's sex drive. I told her how I feel about what is happening, but it is like nothing has changed.

Let me give you an example. If I am in the mood and I say, "Wife, I am going to want you or want you later," 90 per cent of the time she is not in the mood when I am, and she makes every excuse. But when I am not in the mood, that's the time she wants it. As a faithful young man in my prime, she should just flow with it.

I feel deprived of sex. Her excuses vary from being tired, to feeling sleepy, or feeling sick. But as soon as she gets calls from family or friends in the same period, is like the tiredness, sleepiness and sickness disappear. I am told that all I think about is sex; but before we got married, we already established that I love sex. At times, it feels as if sex is used as a tool to manipulate me and that's very selfish of her. She shared how she had to chase unfaithful men, she had to throw herself on them for sex whenever they wanted to compete, and these men had other relationships. But now she is a wife and I am a faithful husband, it makes me wonder. Everyone sees the type of person I am, and remind her how blessed she is to have this type of man at this age. When we just got married, she was even advised by older women to not withhold sex from her husband. I guess they saw the potential issues.

We built a home together and that is where we live, but I have my own home and I have been contemplating to move there by myself. Pastor, it is really draining me. I really love my wife, but at times I wonder if she is traumatised by her past or she just doesn't respect me; I don't know. If I were a weak man I would have gone off into infidelity, but I do not believe in cheating, so I am trying to be faithful, but it is a struggle. Should I go to my house and just visit her sometimes? She wouldn't like that; she likes when I am around.

O.L.

Dear O.L.,

This woman is doing her own thing. You are quite correct in saying that she does not respect you.

She does not see you as someone to be honoured and cherished. I don't need to repeat what you have said, but I will say it nevertheless; she is a very selfish woman. But you should be commended for remaining faithful to her. You should, however, tell her that you are frustrated and the time has come for both of you to visit a family counsellor for professional help. Both of you should decide which counsellor you would like to see and set up the appointment. When you see the counsellor, you should not hold back on anything; just talk the truth.

You did not give your ages, but I am assuming that both of you are still young. The Bible says that a man and his wife should only abstain from sex for a short period if they are engaging in prayer and fasting. But when that short period has ended, they should resume. The Devil wants to see you leave your wife; try and resist that. Again, I suggest that you go to see a counsellor.

Pastor