Molested by my stepdad ... But I don’t hate him

Dear Pastor,

I am a 24-year-old woman and this is the first time I am telling anyone about the experiences with my mother and my stepfather.

I was five years old when my mother met a man who became my stepfather. When she was pregnant with me, nobody wanted to live with her, as she was considered to be was rude. She was only 19 years old when she got pregnant.

My biological father was living with another woman and he couldn't afford to rent a place and put her, so my mother was left in the cold. My stepfather took her in his one-bedroom board house. They did not even have a proper bathroom. They had an outside toilet and one bed. They had an outside kitchen and sometimes when it rained, the kitchen leaked so much, but I was kept warm. At times, my stepfather allowed me to wear one of his big jackets to keep out the cold.

My mother had a brother who sent money for her occasionally. Most nights, I slept with my mother and stepfather on the same bed. I slept in the middle of them.

The first man to kiss me on my lips and to put his tongue in my mouth was my stepfather. I told my mother about it and she told me not to tell anyone. As I grew up, my stepfather watched as my mother bathe me. She had a big bath pan that she used to bathe me in.

I grew up without having any shame. When I was seven years old my stepfather started to play with my vagina. I could not pull away because I was on the same bed with them, and most times my mother was fast asleep. He warned me not to say anything to my mother. He was a hard worker. He bought me my first doll, and at Christmas time he bought me different gifts.

My stepfather was the first man to have sex with me. He took my virginity. My mother asked me if my stepfather ever had sex with me and I told her no, and she asked me then why I am walking that way. I was trying to shield my stepfather. There are times when I knew my stepfather and my mother were having sex; I was on the same bed. Sometimes he put her on top and sometimes he went on top.

I remember hearing my mother cursing my stepfather and telling him that she doesn't want him to get her pregnant, so he should pull out and not discharge in her. He did not always withdraw, and I heard my mother telling him he's going to make her fret for the rest of the month.

One day, my mother asked me again if my stepfather was having sex with me and I told her no. He asked me but I didn't agree, but I was lying to her. She knew that something was going on.

I do not hate my stepfather because he sent me to high school and he gave me everything I wanted as a young girl. My biological father gave me nothing. Although my stepfather sexually abused me, I prefer him to my biological father. I know my biological father, but I do not want to have any relationship with him.

I passed my exams and I went to the HEART/NSTA Trust, and I have a good job now. My mother and I are very close. She married my stepfather but I am their only daughter.

I am living with a man, but he does not know what I went through as a young girl. My mother and stepfather have been able to purchase a two-bedroom house through the National Housing Trust. I am telling you these things because I know that you will not call my name. I will never let the man I am living with know what I have suffered, but I want you to know that it is not every girl who hates her stepfather. I don't hate mine.

R,

Dear R,

Your mother was very careless .What happened to you could have been avoided. She should not have had you as a child sleeping on the same bed with her man and herself. This man you speak so highly of was iniquitous. The Bible describes such as man as depraved. Some may say that I am hard on your mother, but it would have been better for your mother to make a bed on the floor and allow you to sleep on the floor instead of between this man and her.

You look back and you think that your mother could not have done better. She suspected that he was molesting you but you were too scared to talk to report him. So you suffered in silence but you were too naive to believe that what he was doing to you was abuse.

I am glad you did well in school and you now have a good job. I hope that you would protect your children from sexual abuse. Any man who has sexually assaulted a child should be reported to the authorities. He should be place before the courts, and if found guilty, he should be sent to prison.

If your biological father had supported you, you probably would not have to endure the abuse of your step father. I wish you well. I am glad that you're happy. Write to me again.

Pastor.