Ready to divorce my lazy wife

Dear Pastor,

I am 40 and I have been married to the same woman for 10 years. We have two children.

My wife was never a very tidy woman, but we employed a helper who keeps the house tidy and washes twice per week. My wife works out and whenever she comes home, she sits in front of the television or talks to her friends on the phone. Whenever I am coming home from work, she wants me to stop and buy fast food. She has raised our first child to love fast food. My wife has become very fat. She is lazy and whenever the helper is here, she leaves instructions about what to cook.

When it comes to giving me sex, my wife is always saying that she is not feeling well. I am not stupid. I know when she is seeing her period and I always back off, but she wants me to believe that she is seeing her period every day. So I have kept a little notebook and I write down when her period has arrived. I told her that she should see the doctor about her 'problem', but she is lying.

I got involved with another woman and she got pregnant, but she lost the baby. The doctor advised her that she had a miscarriage. She is OK now and our relationship is much stronger. I don't even feel to touch my wife any more. Since May of 2023, my wife and I have not had sexual intercourse. My girlfriend is much younger than I am. She does not call me, because I know my wife will search my phone. I don't want to continue living this way. Even if my wife should go out and cheat on me, it will not hurt me; it will allow me to have a reason for divorcing her. I love my children and I never thought that I would leave my wife, but I am heading in that direction because I am not prepared to leave my girlfriend. I am happy with her. She is always volunteering to help me. I am paying mortgage for my own house and paying this young woman's rent. Whenever I go to her home, I feel relaxed and comfortable.

What suggestion can you make to me at this time?

T.S.

Dear T.S.,

Your wife has made a fool of you for a long time. But you have yourself to blame. Some people might not agree with me in what I am about to tell you, but I will say it nevertheless. When this woman and you became friends, and you realised that she was very untidy and she did not keep her home clean and in good order, you should have ended the relationship. No man should marry a woman who is untidy.

I can see a man marrying a woman who cannot cook, but is willing to learn. But which man wants to be around a woman who is not keeping her place clean? A man wants to know that the bathroom and bedroom are clean. A woman should know when she should change the sheets and pillowcases. The kitchen should always be tidy.

You spoil this woman by taking home fast food every day. You shouldn't be complaining now that she takes you for a fool. At least you were smart enough to be keeping track of her during the month when it comes to her period. Unless a woman is sick, she would not see her menses every day for the entire month. You know this woman is tired of you. I am sure that the thought has crossed your mind that she might have another man. You say that even if she has a man, you would not feel hurt. I suppose you mean that she has hurt you so many times and you are totally turned off from her. So it seems as if she is nothing to you right now.

When things started to go very bad, did you consider suggesting to your wife that both of you should seek professional help? If you didn't, you made a mistake. Now you have got involved with another woman and you claim that you are happy with her, and you don't intend to leave her. It seems to me that the relationship with your wife is dead. However, miracles do happen, so ask her whether she is willing to go for counselling. But you should ask yourself that same question before you ask her.

If you believe that you can give this marriage another chance, discuss it with her. Then, tell your girlfriend what you are doing. I will be glad to hear from you again.

Pastor