My wife refuses to have sex with me

Dear Pastor,

I am 29 and I recently got married. I became a Christian when I was 27. I have tried my best to live a good Christian life.

I stopped running with many girls. I eventually met this Christian girl; we went out a few times and I fell in love with her. She is a genuine Christian. She told me that she was a virgin and she would like to give her virginity to her husband. I never pressured her for sex although many times, I felt the need to make love to her. But I didn't want to do anything with her by force.

Now we are married but I am having problems. She is a beautiful woman and her skin is clean. She is the type of Christian who does not process her hair. We went through counselling and every time the counsellor mentioned the word sex, she turned her face away. The counsellor said 'I can see that you have a problem with sex'. He asked her if she had been raped and she said no, but she did not want to discuss the topic.

We had a small wedding ceremony. The church members were so happy to see us getting married. Some of them paid for us to spend a weekend at a nice resort. When we went to the honeymoon the first night, my wife went to the bathroom and came out fully dressed. I asked her what was the matter and she said nothing. I showered and then I called her and asked her to dry me off. She seemed nervous. I helped her to dry me off and I walked out of the bathroom nude. I held her and she insisted that we should turn off the light. I started to romance her but I knew that she told me she was still a virgin.

I am not exaggerating but every time I touched 'down there' she wanted to know why. Although the lights were off, she crawled under the sheet so I could not see her private parts. I reminded her that we are married and we do not have to be ashamed of each other. I had to somewhat force myself on her and that girl did not move at all. It was as if I was raping her. I had told her that she may bleed a little. I got up after I ejaculated and wiped her up and I told her I was sorry for hurting her. She turned her back on me but I didn't say anything. The next morning, we ordered breakfast, and while we were eating, I asked her if that is the way she is going to behave every time when I want us to have sex. She didn't answer.

Later I tried to have sex with this woman again. I turned off the light, but she was fussing again. We spent three days and headed back to Kingston. But this young woman has not changed. She said that we can be married and not have sex. Don't you think that she is crazy? I find myself not as patient with her any more. I know that I should not rough her up but sometimes I do. Every time she comes to bed in her underwear, I take it off. I have torn up a few of them and I am sorry for doing that.

I told her that we should go back to see our pastor but she has refused. Please give me your advice.

B.T.

Dear B.T,

You seemed to have exercised a great measure of patience but I would like you to know that since I have been a counsellor, I have had to counsel people who are just like your wife.

I don't know what they are ashamed of. Some really suffer from inhibition. It is time for her to put away her inhibition and allow you to enjoy her body and she should learn to enjoy yours. You would have to learn to convince her that both of you need to sit with a counsellor and discuss these problems. The counsellor would have to show her that it is her obligation to make you happy in bed and it is your obligation to make her happy.

You should buy some books. Have your counsellor recommend some that have to do with sex and family life. If both of you read these books together, they may open her eyes. I wish you well.

Pastor