Think I am jealous just like my mother

Dear Pastor,

I am 19 and studying at a university. My father is such a wonderful man. I always tell my mother that she made a mistake by not sticking with him.

He told me that they broke up because she was too jealous. He was young and handsome and every girl he spoke to, my mother made war with them. One day he had promised to take my mother on an excursion. But his mother encouraged him to take her instead. He cancelled on my mother, but she felt that he was going with another woman. So when they got to the place and he was having a good time, my mother showed up. While he was talking to a group of people, she called him. He was so shocked to see her that he didn't move immediately. So she approached him in the crowd, held him by his collar and threatened him. People asked her if she was crazy. She told my father that she would cut out his private parts if he didn't stop having other girls.

His mother saw and heard everything, so she told my father to end the relationship. By that time, my father had got my mother pregnant, but his friends always mocked him about his crazy girlfriend. His mother has always told him that if he wants his private parts, he should leave my mother. I asked my mother why my father left her and she said he had too many women, but my father said that wasn't so. He left her because of her jealousy and her threat to sterilise him.

My father has four children, but I am the only girl. People say that I am his pet, but it seems as if I have copied my mother because I am also very jealous. I have a boyfriend, who is also 19, and he is popular with the girls. I feel very jealous when he is talking to them. He constantly tells me that nothing is going on between him and these girls, so I should just cool it and 'hold my corner'. But I don't like to see him so close to these girls. My boyfriend is very bright and is also attending university. Whenever he tells me he is coming to see me, he keeps his word, and helps me work out problems. My mother likes him.

I introduced him to my father, told me that my boyfriend has ambition. My father warned him not to get me pregnant. I lied to my father. I told him that that would not happen because we do not have sex. I don't know if my father believes that. My boyfriend and I have sex, but we have used protection. How can I stop this jealousy trait in me?

Please give me your advice.

I.L.

Dear I.L.,

I am going to answer your letter by telling you that I counselled a gentleman who told me that his wife accused him of having a side chick, so she refused to be intimate with him because she did not trust him.

One night, when she was not yet in bed, he lifted her pillow and saw a pair of scissors; he was shocked. Evidently, his wife was planning to cut off his private parts, and it was the good Lord who caused him to look underneath her pillow. He became scared of his wife and did not touch her again. Eventually, they broke up. He could either protect his penis or drop his side chick, but he and his side chick grew closer, so he and his wife got divorced. He said that his wife was very, very jealous and he could not cope with her.

Now here you are, a 19-year-old who is worried that you are just like your mother, who struggled with jealousy when she was in love with your daddy. So, how you are going to deal with your jealousy? You can destroy your relationship. You have to recognise that you are not the only one who will like your boyfriend. You have to have confidence in him and not allow this monster that is called jealousy to destroy your relationship. Always discuss with your boyfriend how you feel about him, but do not give him the impression that you do not trust him. If he is fooling you, he will not be able to pretend forever. It is better for him to go if he is not truthful.

Tell him that both of you should go and talk to a family counsellor. Let him know that he is free to call you anytime, and you should be free to call him. He is free to know your whereabouts, and you should be free to know his. A good relationship is built on good communication and trust. Always bear that in mind.

Pastor