Husband cheated with my son’s caregiver

Dear Pastor,

I'm in my late 30s and I'm married. My husband is 20 years older than me. When I met him I was living with my sister. I wasn't happy there so I decided to move out of her house. I honestly didn't love my husband, but we had sex and I got pregnant; and because I was in the church and he was not, we decided to get married.

We ended up having three children. The last one is not so well. He was diagnosed with seizure disorder. We went through a lot with him. I ended up working in the cruise line industry. I employed a lady to take care of our kids, while my mom would look over them from time to time. My husband started sleeping with the lady. I asked him about it and he denied it.

Pastor, I honestly can't say I was perfect, because I also had an affair on the ship. I fired the woman because she lied, but my husband confessed to my aunt about what he did, not knowing that she was my aunt. My husband started to call me names and we fought a lot. I wasn't happy with him, so I moved to my parents' home with my children. My husband begged me to return. It has been seven years now since I moved out, but now I'm trying to go back. I still don't love him, but I miss having my own place, miss being a wife, and having my family. He feels he wants his family back, too.

I'm trying to fix the house, so it is now under construction. My son was badly hurt by him. He said he does not want to return. I really want my own place, pastor. My name is on the land title. Do you think I'm making the right decision by going back or spending money to repair the house? My mom said I should not go back, but I should do the right thing in God's sight.

N.L.

Dear N.L,

This relationship did not begin right. You did not love this man, but you got involved with him because of convenience, and both of you had children together and got married. You should have known better not to leave another woman in your house with your husband who was healthy, strong and sexually active. You should have known that there was always a possibility that he would become involved with that woman, and he did.

But look at you, you cheated too. So, both of you would now love to come back together and put the past behind you. You have not grown to love your husband. And it seems to me from the tone of your letter that he knows that you do not love him. But if both of you believe that you should be living together again, and he is done with his woman and you have given up on whatever you did out there with another man, both of you should meet with a family counsellor and talk. Lay your cards on the table, so to speak, and see how you can get back together and make life. It would not make any sense to blame each other for anything, because both of you are guilty of cheating.

Your mother does not want to see you suffer. She thinks you have suffered enough, so she is not encouraging you to return to this man. But you know what you are feeling, so I am not going to discourage you from going back. But you should not go back without meeting in sessions with a family counsellor. I wish you well. I will be praying for you.

Pastor