Boyfriend wants us to buy a house together

Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column, but this is the first time I am writing to you. I am 23 years old and I have a boyfriend who is 25.

He fathered a child from a previous relationship, but I do not have any children. Although I was in two serious relationships before I met him, I never got pregnant by any of these men. The last guy I was with was a soldier and he was on the wild side. He was much older. I protected myself. But whatever I asked him for, he gave to me. Whenever he wasn't on duty, he came by to see me.

My father didn't like him. My father said he was too ugly and he didn't trust him. My father talked these things behind his back. I ended the relationship with this guy because one day he came to visit and one of my friends was spending the day with me. When I left him for a few minutes to go to the shop, he tried to get her to go to bed with him. When my girlfriend told me what he did, I told myself 'This man doesn't have any respect for me.' So after he left me that day, I texted him and told him that he should not come back to see me and that I was finished with him.

My present boyfriend is very respectful. He is not a Christian, but he goes to church and he comes from a godly family. He wants us to get married. He is always talking about buying a house. I don't have any money to put up with him, but he told me of a place where the government is going to build some houses and he would like us to buy one. I would like us to get married before we try to have a child.

T.L

Dear T.L

I hope that you will plan carefully. If you have money, you should not put that money with any man to make the down payment on a house unless both of you are married.

That is not a wise thing to do. It can create problems. A couple can plan together for their future and have joint accounts and work together in every way. But if they are not married, it is unwise to have joint accounts and to purchase property together. I have seen too many women suffer because they made mistakes of buying property with their boyfriends and then after the relationship has broken up, they have great difficulty in resolving the issue of the property.

This man has promised to marry you; that is good. But I will say, even after both of you are married, you should not rush into parenthood soon after. A married couple should give themselves time to adjust to married life. I know you may say, 'Well, if the couple is living together before marriage, they don't need much time.' But to be married carries some obligations for the man and the woman.

Sometimes even the way the man may talk to his woman after he is married might surprise her. The woman might also make certain demands from him after they are married. You may ask how long should the adjustment be, and I would say that they can plan to try and have a child at least a year after marriage. Sometimes as they plan, it might mean that they would have to get a bigger house or to make an addition to the house in which they live if it belongs to them. The number of children a couple should have is up to them, if the woman's health is good. But both of them should discuss that with a doctor. Both partners should also be earning enough to support the family.

Do not leave anything to chance. Plan your family intelligently, and that means using contraceptives. I wish you well. Take good care of yourself.

Pastor